The Ups and Downs

Total change in life again

2011-06-11T10:00:00.003+02:00

Kaelyn is nearly 17 months and life is changing in a big way from Monday!

I start work! I haven't worked since September 2009 ... retrenched when I was 7 months pregnant with Kaelyn, was then lucky enough to stay home with her for 16 1/2 months and have eventually been lucky enough to find a job working half day so I still get to be with her in the afternoons.

I have had her at school for 2 hours a day for 1 1/2 weeks and then a normal 7:30 - 2 day for a week and it has been heart breaking, seeing her cry, but she sounds like she has a different personality at school vs home, been told she is very sociable and will talk to anyone, she is independent, that she feeds herself with a spoon and at home she clings to me like glue and wants me to carry her around a lot of the time. Part of me thinks this will be the best thing for her and me, but a part of me still wonders if I am doing the right thing.

Gareth is away for 6 days and I have to start work and do the mad morning rush alone for the 1st 3 days, which is freaking me out a little, but like most thins I worry about ... they come to naught! They go smoothly and stress free ??? (I wish)

6 Months

2010-07-29T13:18:00.003+02:00

Shew Kaelyn is 6 months already and ever so cute. Got her 1st tooth 4 days before she was 6 months, was a bit of a surprise as I wasn't expecting it? Slow or hopeful I don't know, just I didn't get much sleep for 10 days, shew now knowing what is to come ... yikes! How many teeth do they get?

She is sitting nicely now and loves to sing and babble and screech and blow raspberries. So so cute, except when she does it between 12 and 1am in the morning (the last 3 mornings) Like she has a little karaoke party going on in her cot!

This week she started peering around things to see what disappears or what she can hear, which is so sweet!

I am so sad today though, feel lost? No clue why? Feel like I have lost myself if that makes sense? I will have to think of getting work, but am scared and feel a bit useless ... oh boy I am a bit of a sorry case today!

5 months

2010-06-09T13:39:00.003+02:00

So Kaelyn is nearly 5 months, I just can't believe it at all! She is the most precious little girl out. She smiles at everyone and watches them like she has known them for years, even if it is some arb stranger at the shops who stops to talk to her!

She is still waking 2 times for a feed most nights, but settles herself quite easily at night which I am grateful for and sleeps from about 6:30pm to 6am, which is great. During the day is a different story, she tends to fight sleep, but it is becoming easier with every passing week! BUT she is sleeping on our bed on her doughnut during the day, I don't put her in her room, cause my neighbours are so noisy in their offices in their garden during the day it is so annoying! But when she starts rolling ..... mmm so better start getting her used to it now.

I am going to start her on solids in the next few weeks, which is exciting and daunting all in 1. I just can not believe she is nearly 5 months! How did we get here so fast?

Time

2010-05-12T19:10:00.003+02:00

How can my little tiny baby angel be 4 months on Saturday? How did we get here so fast? I love watching her developments and they are coming fast and furiously now, but I miss that tiny little being that could fit in the crook of my arm! Her little personality is coming out now and she is such a happy child and rather cheeky too. She is so curious and I take her to the shops in the front pack and she absolutely loves it, loves the lights and colours and if we take her for a walk around the neighbourhood in it, she stares at the trees and lamp posts, it is oh so cute. She doesn't like to be held face in, that is way too boring.

She has grown so much and is above average in height at 62cm at 15.5 days and average (which I was told is big for a girl) at 6.05kg. She is a long string bean and is only now starting to get a few little fat wrinkles on her thighs. Her 3 - 6 month baby grows are not going to last her till 6 months, that is for sure.

I have been breast feeding exclusively for 3 months, 4 weeks and she seems to be thriving. She still wakes up basically 2 times a night and in general is a good sleeper, but we do have bad times of her not sleeping well.

I never knew you could love a little being so much. She has brought so much light and love to my life, I am truly blessed!

A delayed post

2010-03-01T08:46:00.004+02:00

My gorgeous baby girl was born on the 15th of January 2010 and is already 11 weeks and 2 days old. So much has happened in this last 11 weeks and I won't be able to put it all down, but I am so in love with her.

She was great till 2 weeks and then started being very unhappy and screaming all the time, turns out (we think) she is allergic to egg yolk? Once I stopped eating eggs, she stopped screaming?
We also took her to the chiro and the poor girls back was so out! The chiro was so amazing and so good with her, he has a little one 1 week older than Kaelyn! She in the beginning cried when on her back, after the chiro, she loves being on her back! Amazing!

She started to smile properly (even though a little uncontrolled) at 5 weeks and 2 days! It just makes my heart melt!

Now she is already more of a solid baby and not just a lump of baby. She can sit if I hold her, she has started a kind of laugh, which isn't really a laugh yet. Anything that happens to get into her hand goes up to her mouth. But if it goes over her eyes she cries even though she is still forcing whatever it is into her mouth. She makes me laugh.

She has G's ears, my eyes and thumbs, my mom's eyebrows and every thing else comes from G's side of the family. But she is cute.

I heard about this love you had for a child once it was born and how this love grew, but I never truly understood the love that you have for your child. I just love her so much and I love her 11 weeks worth of "more " than I did when she was born and it just keeps on growing.

I had to go onto Eglanol in the beginning as I didn't want to snap, as it isn't an easy transgression from couple life to baby in your life and the wake ups and the crying for who knows what reason, but I am nearly totally weened of of it and I don't resent her for those big crying sessions in the middle of the night anymore. The are just part of my life and we get through them all. Not that she has many to be honest. Only when I have too many green veggies.

Breast feeding is easy, I really enjoy it and I guess I am lucky as she feeds every 2 hours, but sometimes every 3,depending. BUT she won't take a bottle at all, screams blue murder when a bottle is given to her! Doesn't matter if it is expressed milk or formula, she refuses to take it. mmm!

I just love my baby!

No sign of Labour

2010-01-11T09:54:00.002+02:00

Ok so today being the 11 January, I am 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant and I was so sure I was going to have my little BeeGee around 39 weeks. I guess it was just wishful thinking?

I am so so grateful to be pregnant and I have loved so much of it. But I have been 1 of the lucky few who has had morning sickness the whole way through. Yup you read right. I throw up 9 out of 10 mornings and if I don't carry almonds in my pocket, I will throw up during the day too. I have felt like my stomach is going to pop since about 30 weeks and it gets more so every day. So I am at the stage now where I really want her out and I want to meet her and hold her and kiss her and love her. Show her to the world.

I so want to go into labour even if I have to have a c-sec. I am not too keen on being induced, but the Dr said that with my appt on Thurs, if I haven't gone into labour he might induce me on Friday. But do I want that, or do I just want a plain old c-sec if she doesn't appear by then. I hate having to make these decisions ... I really wanted nature to take its course and decide for me on the birth route, but at this moment in time, I think I have to make that decision.

Yesterday I had all this energy and was trimming plants in the garden and cleaning the front of the kitchen cupboards and doing loads of stuff. Went for tea at my BIL house in this afternoon and as we left I was getting more and more shooting pains up my legs, I didn't want to sit and that is all I have wanted to do for months now. I thought hey maybe this is it. But to my disappointment ... no such luck, no sign of BeeGee at all during the night. I want to cry. I just want her so bad now. Plus I want to be a little less uncomfy, can't say I am not selfish here too!

G won't let me drive anymore. Because of those shooting pains. Says all I need is 1 while driving and then I put myself and our child in danger, which I agree with and haven't actually driven much for ages, but I hate being house bound and relying on other people.

On Saturday we went to see Avatar, was the 1st movie I have seen in ages and also during the day in like 6 years. G and I don't go to movies during the day, as it wastes precious time? So was quite surprised when I mentioned it to him and he agreed!

Anyway ... all I am doing now is vegging and hoping and praying my little BeeGee comes out healthy and happy very very soon!

End of the year

2009-12-14T15:12:00.002+02:00

I last posted the end of October. Man life waits for no man ... or woman!

This year has flown. It has been 1 roller coaster ride of a year, I must be honest. It has thrown us lemon and rotten eggs, but ti has also thrown is rose petals and love.

Everything worked out for the best work wise. My lawyer was a super star and I got the car, it is officially in my name and he paid me the amount I specified. Which is a blessing in disguise ... all sorted before the end of the year. I had to get new tyres, new shocks and some brush or bush or something replaced too, was damn expensive and took alot of the money I got paid out, but way way cheaper than buying a new car! What a blessing! I went to my folks straight after being retrenched and I felt so at peace. My folks spoilt me and baby rotten! I ate like a horse and gained 2kg in 1 week!

Got back to Jhb and went to sort out UIF ... seeing is believing that they will start paying me 4 weeks from when I went ... meant to be 24 Dec? Ja right. But guess you never know. I am not enjoying not having my own money, that is 1 scary thing, but am sure it will get better!

But was saying to G over the weekend, this year has been 1 roller coaster between my MC in Jan and falling pregnant again in May and The car battle with my ex boss and then the retrenchment and all and for the 1st time this year I feel at peace. At peace with myself and the world! The weight has gone from my shoulders and I feel free! (other than not earning money)

I have painted every nook and cranny in the baby's room and I have been and gotten the basics of what baby needs and what I need for hospital. I have baked and baked and baked ... I have made jam and bottled fruit! I have seen friends ... I have sewed and sewed some more. I have washed the new born clothes and blankets. I have packed the baby's bag ... mine is more of a challenge! And eventually the room is coming to an end and things are packed away.

I had an awesome Baby shower and was spoilt rotten!

I have 1 month left, can you believe it ... 1 month, if she decides to stay in that long. Which I am hoping she does. Or maybe 1 week less, but no less than that. Gynae is away until 2nd Jan, so I am hoping she sticks it out till then!

4 weeks though ... everyone says the last month is the hardest, which I can now understand! I am just hoping that because it is a busy month ... it will go a bit faster. I have started drinking raspberry leaf tea in the afternoons and that seems to be helping with my uncomfy feelings!

I can't believe the girls that were just in front of me with falling pregnant are about to have their babies ... a couple this week already. Where does time go? Good luck girls ... will be thinking of you! Loads!

Plus my friend is coming back from the UK with her baby, I can't wait!

Another friend is pregnant ... whoo hoo! Congrats girl!

And all my other friends babies are growing up so fast!

Christmas isn't at our place this year for a change, we decided that it was safer to do it elsewhere. So having it at the in-laws. But my folks are away and it is going to be 1 different Christmas this year!

Last Week

2009-10-26T15:54:00.003+02:00

So this is my last week of work and I still have no idea on what is happening regarding pay and everything, damn the idiot! But the wheel turns and I must just have patience!

I can't believe I will suddenly be a house wife until baby comes cause then I become a stay at home mom, until I get a job again, but yikes it is a scary thought, I have had money and been working (only weekends & holidays to begin with until after school) since I was 13. So (blush blush) 20 years of having my own money and being independent and now suddenly I have to rely on G? Not that his salary alone covers our expenses, but still! This is a life changing mind blowing huge step for me and I am rather apprehensive.

What am I going to do with myself???? Next week I have to get a whole lot of things for my folks, as I am off to see them the following week for a week in Howick and obviously they miss certain things you can get in Jhb! So doing that, will bring a whole lot of the stuff inside to my outside office seen as it won't be an office anymore and will be an empty space!

The following week I am in Howick and G goes on his annual boys holiday! Glad for him, think he needs it quite badly at the moment.

Then ..... what happens? Yikes! ! ! I have until when ever baby Shaw decides to make her appearance to do what???? I guess I can sew a few things and pre cook a few things and then ???? What?? LOL guess I will surprise myself and have so much to do? I can hope hey?

I guess still will be trying to sort out lawyers and work kuk to begin with too, oh and then the CCMA, I have to do that no matter what! I am not laying down and being walked over .... I refuse ... I just hope I am taking the right steps along the way!

My pregnancy is going well, I feel baby Shaw all the time now and panic if I don't ... does it ever end??? My stomach has grown to huge proportions and I am loving it even though it is uncomfy a lot of the time! The heart burn isn't my friend, but can cope, but must say I am sick of eating salad!

We go for the 29 week scan on Wednesday ... already! Time she is flying! Can't wait for that!

I am soooooo going to miss my new found friends on OPM and the net and Skype. Girls you have kept me sane for the last few months and I can't wait to get back online to keep it up!

And I am really looking forward to the brunch on Saturday, to meet new people and ones I know, but haven't met!

Treacle

2009-10-13T13:52:00.002+02:00

Geez it feels like I am dragging myself through treacle and not getting anywhere very fast at all. This whole thing with my boss seems to have been going on for months and months now! We still haven't come to any sort of conclusion, but I have spoken to a few labour lawyers and seen 1 too and I am getting screwed out of money, but not as much as I was hoping due to them structuring my salary backwards, go figure! Why oh why? There must be a reason!

Anyway on a positive note ... I have a lawyer on the car thing that hates my boss for a few reasons and is going to get me my car for minimal cost just to get back at him! whoo hoo ... there is a light, just not a big 1 yet!

My LO is doing well I think, turning and twisting and shew interesting feelings in my body, but love them cause then I know all is ok. We going for our 4D scan on Thursday and I am so looking forward to that. I really hope we can see alot and find out the sex for once and for all!

The baby's room is coming along. I still have to paint the window frames and today at that, but am struggling to find the energy! Cause they are coming to put in the carpet tomorrow. Then we can start moving stuff in, which is exciting!

Shew it is hot today, if the pool wasn't still too cold I would swim, that is for sure!

Life can change so quickly

2009-10-02T13:18:00.002+02:00

G and I had a lovely time in Plett, we walked about 8km every day along the beaches and I read a load of books (4 Harry Potter books in 1 week, the last 4, so big books) and G dived a lot. All in all it was very relaxing and peaceful. We saw whales every day while we were there and I always find seeing whales and dolphins special.

I was a bit uncomfortable the whole time and baby didn't move too much, but still moved, so was worried, but not! Saturday arrived back in Jhb and as we got off the plane baby started going mad, so that was a relief.

Sunday G and I started painting babies room, taking a lot longer than we planned for, that is for sure! But starting to look good.

Monday lunch time I get an email from my boss to say he will be in Jhb and see me on Tuesday morning 8:30am.

He walks into the office with words of doom and gloom about how badly the company is doing and hana hana hana and he has to close Jhb office down? Which I was expecting, not cause we doing badly, but because I went against his wishes with the car, idiot! So he tells me that I must agree to a Separation Clause and he will pay me October and will sign the car over to me? I mean WTF? As in I must resign, I think not, but I don't give him any inkling that I am against this and say I will speak to my hubby and lawyer and speak the next day. He says he will be in my office at 8:30, so I said no I told you I had my gynae appointment so I will contact him once I am back! I speak to my lawyer and he dictates what I must write back, which I do and send an email to my boss, saying no I will not resign, retrench me if the company is doing so badly!

Wednesday we go for the 25 week scan and baby is doing well, laying breech, head up bum down, but there is loads of room in there Dr says, so not worried. He says baby is 868g, I mean how cute, nearly 1kg .... G and I are over the moon.

I climb back into the car and get a message from the boss saying he has to drop off a letter and pick up files, am I back yet, I mean really, idiot, give me time! So I make him wait from 8:30 till 9:30 ... and then say I am here!

He comes and drops off the proper documents for a retrenchment AND if he could shoot fire out his eyes I would be a burning bush. I mean he is in Jhb has no printer with him, so the slimy sleaze ball was just trying his luck! He had the docs with him anyway! He tells me to meet him at 12:30 on Wednesday in Modderfontein!

I get told by my lawyer, then a friend via her boss and my neighbour who is a lawyer that the boss is stuffed as he has gone about this all in the wrong way and I can sue his arse!

Wednesday I meet with the boss, as technically he has to read through the whole letter with me and ask questions and take minutes. He looks terrible (ag shampies man, NOT) and acts all sorry that he is doing this to me... like ja RIGHT! I ask what he is planning to give me and we can work from there. I don't bring up the car again and neither does he.

But if I don't get what is rightfully mine and the car that is legally mine thanks to his letter, I will go to the CCMA as there is a big case against him and I could stuff with him big time ... so now it is the waiting game, to see what he will give me for my million $ signature!

I have to meet him next Thursday to see what the next step is. Sigh, but I am calm and I know there is an end to him in sight, as in an end to me having anything to do with this horrible horrible man! All going well I get the car, I get paid until the end of the year and then I can claim normal UIF for 6 months, which works out more than Maternity UIF for 4 months. So I am holding fingers, toes and everything else and hoping it works in my favour!

And now

2009-09-14T14:57:00.002+02:00

So last week my bosses wife and daughter were up to learn my job and Friday I sent them off (literally at the airport) with all my important files and order books and all, so I guess after 9.5 years of doing the same job, it now changes? Yikes! But part of me is relieved, but part of me is thinking - driving around all the time in my last 4 months of pregnancy, but I know I can do it!

Friday night I crashed so early I was exhausted, but Saturday we went to the shops and then started washing down the walls and filling cracks in the walls and sanding down all the cupboards and such in the baby's room! I am just so excited, it is taking a lot longer to prepare than we planned, but isn't that always the case. We bought all the paint and are going natural neutral colours, beige and such, but then will make the curtains and such more colourful and baby like. So now we can't really work on it much until we get home after our week away, but it is all prepared and they will come put in a new carpet after we have painted too, so very excited that we are now starting on the baby journey! As in doing things for it and such.

I have asked my MIL to come baby shopping with me once we back and they back from their holiday. As she is so excited and is jumping to come with me. Will also go 1 day with my sister. Just to get ideas and decide what to actually buy. As we have kindly been given a pram, cot, car seat, camping cot, so it is the little things now. Plus the baby monitor and clothes and nappies. Oh and sheets for the cot.

I can't believe I am now getting there. 22.5 weeks!

Just trying to ignore the work situation now that my main job has been handed over and focus on my pregnancy and health!

Scared to be happy

2009-09-02T08:46:00.003+02:00

I realised this morning while brushing my hair. I am scared to be happy?

At 16 weeks pregnant I was ecstatic, we saw little Baby and everything was good, the next day this whole thing with my boss lands on my head, then the next day the whole thing with my friend loosing her husband after giving birth to their child and I haven't been that happy since. I am too scared to feel that absolute happiness that makes you want to jump for joy, cause I think in my subconscious if I am happy then something bad will happen? Does this make sense? I don't know how to get out of this?

On Friday I spoke to my mom and just sobbed and sobbed on the phone to her, made my poor mom cry cause she is far away now! But this thing with my boss seems to have tainted my pregnancy and it is so sad, I am so angry @ him for doing this to me. These are meant to be the best times ever, being pregnant and enjoying my pregnancy and all I can do is stress and worry about work and what to do? The not knowing is also a killer. I HATE not knowing. It makes me so mad. I always want to know things .... that is why baby is probably not showing 100%, cause I have to learn to stand back and be patient! BUT HOW???? How do you teach yourself patience?

So I think I am scared to be happy ... otherwise things might go wrong? How do I stop these silly thoughts?

Another week gone by

2009-08-28T09:22:00.002+02:00

I was so good at writing in my journal and on my blog and now I have totally lost it! Has my life become boring? I have no clue? I am finding it rather stressful at the moment though.

So I went for my 20 week scan. I am half way? Half way? I always hoped it would happen and I would have a healthy happy baby at the end of my 9 months, but after my MC, I celebrate every week that goes by and I am still pregnant. My gynae spent a good 20 min on baby and checked everything. How he knows what it all is must take years and years of practice. G & I could see a few thing he pointed out and recognised, but in general we were just watching. Baby is always sleeping when we go for our scans. But low and behold as soon as we leave and I sit back at my pc, it wakes up again.

Gynae think it is a girl about 80%, but boy is she shy, does not intent to show her bits off to us. So for now I will mention baby as a she, but it might change at the next scan, who knows. The gynae showed us all 4 chambers of the heart and brain measurements and all, was amazing. It is a true miracle. She already sits like mom. 1 leg out straight and the other curled under her. Her little heart was beating 153bpm, which was amazing.

I even went and bought her 1st little outfit yesterday, I haven't bought a thing and thought come on B you can do this, so did and a little rattle. So I am now officially thinking in 20 weeks we will have a LO in our lives, to love and to hold and to cherish.

G & I are having fun batting names back and fourth, G is set on 1, but we will see. I really like it, but I don't like to have names set in stone until she is born. What if she doesn't look like the name we choose once she is born?

Anyway I am so glad it is Friday. I am going for lunch with my best friend and her cousin today with their babies. Think I deserve to get out and about after the last month I have had!

TGIF

2009-08-21T09:44:00.002+02:00

Can the weeks go by any more slowly than they are? Actually I lie they are going past fast, just hating work, doesn't help me get through my week. Actually I lie again. I enjoy my work, just not the situation with my boss. That is what gets to me the most! Shew I lied so much there and I normally try not to lie! But my negative side comes out too quickly at the moment with this situation. 3 weeks and he has not said 1 word to me? He only communicates via email? I mean really. But anyway, life plods on and what can I do? Patience .... patience ... patience is all I must focus on.

My cousin came over for dinner and said I look the happiest I have in ages, which surprised me, but then thinking about it I had bad Morning sickness and was exhausted and I think bored at the same time, so this has brought the energy and blood to my veins as I have an aim and focus. So bad things are good in a backwards kind of way?

I gave my poor hubby a hard time on Wednesday night, poor man, wasn't his fault at all, just me being a bit hormonal I guess. Felt very unloved, but going to see Cathy on Wednesday and seeing how sad she is broke my heart and wore me down. Poor girl. But Keagan is the most gorgeous little guy and gives his mom so many smiles.

Weekend where are you?

2009-08-12T15:02:00.002+02:00

Yikes the last time I blogged was yonks ago. Too much was happening to put things on paper, as my mind was swirling!

I am tired of being walked over by my boss and have taken a stand. He gave me my car on paper and now is saying no. So I refused his new offer and now he told me he is going to make my life hell and it is going to cost me all the money I don't have and taking em to arbitration. I mean really. How silly can you get. This man thinks that the world revolves around him and no more. 9.5 years of it and no more. I know it is going to get nasty, but I had to take a stand and lookout for myself! about time I think, but damn it is scary, I hate confrontation and I am more of a wall flower type person, so this is a new me coming out and I am proud of myself, even though I keep wondering if I have done the right thing as I still have to work for this guy and ja. Oh well will take it 1 day at a time and hope for the best.

My heart still goes out to my dearest friend Cathy, life has thrown you a rough card here and I am always here for you when you need me!

On my pregnancy side. I am 18 weeks today. Wow! I can't believe it! I think I can feel baby move, but it might just be gas, but more on the lines of baby now ... It is such a miracle!

To the ladies I have met online and become friends with. Thank you, you guys are what makes me get through each day! I appreciate you more than you know!

16 Weeks

2009-07-30T09:51:00.002+02:00

How can time go so slowly but so fast at the same time?

Went for our 16 week scan yesterday and I must say watching this little human grow every 4 weeks is just too amazing for words! Dr showed us its thigh bone and stomach and spine and it was amazing. It had it's little legs crossed, so now showing what it is, but wasn't expecting a definite at this scan. I was thinking a little boy originally, now thinking maybe a girl? Oh well whatever it is, I am so excited that things are plodding along nicely! Just hoping and praying they carry on plodding along well.

G was just so precious he was standing at the end of the bed watching the screen and every time you could see something new, he would rub my foot madly, was very funny! He isn't a man of many words or visual emotions, but watching him yesterday, I saw a new side of him! Was so sweet! Was impressed that the baby had bones already!

Response

2009-07-29T15:53:00.003+02:00

Scene as Jahni tagged me I thought why not!

Three names I go by:
Bel
Blendax
Billy Bob (my neice)

Three jobs you may not know I have had in my life:

Sunglass packer (London)
Functions co-ordinator, catering
Legal secretary (Egypt)

Three places I have lived:

London
Egypt
Durban (and of course Jhb)

Three shows that I watch currently:

Scrubs
Hero's
??? something Vet in NZ on DSTV

Three Places I have been:

Turkey
Belgium
Greece

Three people who e-mail me regularly

My boss
Cathy
Sue

Three of my favorite foods

Sushi
My mom's home made roast chicken
Salad

Three bloggers I think will respond

Kandis
Lameez
???

Three things I'm looking forward to:

Birth of my healthy baby
Summer
Chatting to my on line friends during the day

Congratulations

2009-07-23T13:12:00.003+02:00

Ok now my friend has a name for her baby I feel I can post? If that makes sense.

She has a beautiful baby boy after a hard labour, with them not doing the cut like they promised, so she tore, ow ow ow! I am so proud of her for managing and producing such an amazing little boy!

The love she has for him is too beautiful for words, for someone who wasn't really planning on a family! I am so glad and so proud and so happy!

I know you don't read my blog, but congrats my friend! Wishing you many many years of happiness with your little boy! May he bring happiness, love and joy into your life! You deserve it, you really do. I so wish I could see you and give you and baby lots of love from a closer distance! Being so far away is hard.

You see my friend and I have been friends for over 21 years and been through thick and thin together. We even fell pregnant together, which definitely wasn't planned! But things happen and she has now got a little boy and my LO was due on Saturday. So I am guessing if I was still pregnant with my 1st we would have probably given birth together this week. Funny that!

Zzzzz Zzzzzz

2009-07-21T13:18:00.004+02:00

Ok after pacing like a caged lion all of last night waiting for my friend to give birth! Getting an sms eventually at 1:30am our time to say little boy has arrived, mom worked hard but dazed and a photo came through, I thought ok now I can relax and sleep. Then at 1:30am I get an sms from someone close saying Your friend had a boy??? I mean like I didn't know ... no 1 and no 2 why sms at that time in the morning ... for what??? To see if I knew my best friend had a baby??? To brag she knew 1st??? What was she doig on fb at 1:30am ... haha! Oh well! Who knows other peoples minds, maybe I am being sensitive and she just was excited?? Ooo too many question marks!

So then I struggled to get back to sleep and am a walking zombie today. I feel like I could put my head on my desk right now and crash! But no such luck, work to do, washing to bring in, dinner to prepare and Belly Dancing to go to .... Just .... got .... to ...g..e..t going now!

Family "love"???

2009-07-16T13:21:00.003+02:00

Yesterday I woke up in such a good mood and was bouncing around. Got into the office and I had an email from my 1 sister telling me I am depressed and not enjoying this pregnancy and I need help? Plus all sorts of other things. I was like WHAT? So I sobbed for 2 hours and sent a snotty email back, and then thought maybe it is just the hormones and felt bad so phoned her. Turns out she did it on purpose to get me to react???? I mean WHAT? And this is the sister who has been kind and caring? I don't get family? I really don't. Who needs enemies when you have family?

So last night I had a headache from hell and sinus this morning. My sinuses don't handle tears! Not those big wet ones that make you look like a clown with a red nose and just keep coming! Maybe that is why I tend to usually not cry? Hormones!!! They are interesting to say the least!

Anyway my other sister came over last night for a meal for her birthday, but she cooked, how awesome is that ... I think great! Was a good evening, I was just tired! And cold. I am so sick of this winter. Summer please come out and play!

But the good news is I got 2 nice and supportive sports bra's. From Ackermans of all places, but they were the most comfortable and weren't hugely expensive. My bbs feel so comfortable now, what a relief!

I am not usually 1 for junk food, but went and got a KFC rounder and ate it so fast, I have a sore stomach now .... haha serves me right!

Turning Point

2009-07-14T13:50:00.002+02:00

I had a good weekend, other than not talking to G for half a day on Saturday morning as the man since I have known him makes me breakfast on a weekend and public holiday, so Saturday I have a shower dry my hair, turn off the hair dryer and what do I hear, G scrapping his cereal bowl. Man oh man was I so upset I thought I would die??? His excuse was I am difficult at the moment cause I won't eat anything, but still .... we have been living together for 2 years 9 months and this is the 1st time he has not made me breakfast or even bothered to ask what I wanted AND to top it off didn't wait for me and ate alone! But to be fair he did everything for the rest of the weekend food wise, so can't really complain, but I didn't speak to him until after lunch! Don't think he will do that in a hurry again ... hee hee!

Other than that I did lots of mending? Mending of the trailer house cover, mending of G's jersey, and shorts, mending of our 1 kitties play mouse. I baked and helped G make an apple strudel. G is busy making the table for next to our side board that the TV is on and I am way impressed, such a clever man! Oh and I cleaned all 3 fish tanks, big job and did a basic clean of the 2 ponds too!

Monday I woke up feeling so full of energy and no ms and thought I had hit the turning point, but alas by 6pm I had such stomach (air cramps) and wasn't hungry and didn't sleep well at all and this morning I am exhausted and MS is back with a vengeance! So guessing it was just a good day yesterday. I am grateful for having a feel good day! At least now I remember what it feels like! So worth feeling crap if it means baby is doing well!

Sleepy

2009-07-09T14:02:00.002+02:00

So my boss was here for 24 hours, but didn't have too much to do with him luckily! Last night G and I went out for sushi with friends and I must say vegetarian sushi is ok, but so NOT the same as real sushi, but am so willing to sacrifice for now! Got home and crashed only to wake up at 12:30 with such a sinus headache and then couldn't sleep again!

Took my boss to the airport this morning and then went to a customer in Chloorkop and back home and that took a whole damn 3 hours! 3 hours!!! And driving in a nice sun heated car can really put me to sleep, stopped to get food for the gardener and maid and ended up looking longingly at the cooked chicken livers. So got that for all of us! Was so yummy! I know they say no liver, but I assumed it to be ox liver (yuk), but gee I could have had more, pity I had to share! I only had 3 so hoping it will be ok. Why of all things do I crave that? I am weird!

So other than waiting for time to pass so I can go for a walk and then sleep tonight, I still have to think of what is for dinner? Mmm maybe grilled chicken thighs and veggies?

Count down

2009-07-07T14:16:00.003+02:00

It is Tuesday afternoon, which means only 3 full working days till weekend! Whoo hoo! The reason I am so excited, is for no other reason other than I have spent the last 2 weekends in bed sick as a dog (why do we use that saying, poor dog)! So other than a dinner we are making for my cousin for her bday on Friday, nothing is planned, but that is the best thing, woo hooo!

G has been such an amazing husband over the last week and a half, he has looked after me, cooked, brought me what I needed (other than cleaning up), he is just divine! He has the patience of an angel and the personality of a saint. I love him to bits. He has put up with me through this (1st time I have ever been this sick in 4.5 years) and I appreciate it so much. Neither of us are sickly people. So this has confused us both. He is even sweet when I have these tears that come pouring out my eyes during programmes on Discovery and movies, the tears are a new thing for us too, so it is all very funny! He is also putting up with me snapping at him for silly things. Thank you for being the best husband a girl could ever dream of having!

But I have decided I am a worry wart. At 12 weeks my baby was 5.38cm and another girl at 12 weeks is 7cm, is that a problem or do they all grow at different times. is my baby ok? Did it have a growth stump cause I have been sick? mmm man such a worrying time in life that is for sure!

My Morning sickness has come back with a vengeance! Geez, but if it is from post nasal drip, no wonder, I feel queasy all the time and a headache all the time and a horrible taste in my mouth, so a home made salt water solution is now my best friend, hope it clears it up ... quick quick!

Flu

2009-07-02T14:11:00.002+02:00

I have been knocked down dead with flu. I am never in bed when I am sick and I stayed in bed all of Saturday and Sunday and most of Monday and just stared at my cupboard, I just couldn't move. I went to the doctor cause I can't take anything and she gave me a nasal spray and cough syrup, but can only use them like 2 times a day so don't really work. It is now Thursday and I am still damn sick! Oh well. Oh plus I have 7 cold sores on my bottom lip! 7 ???? My immune system is out for a whack that is for sure!

BUT the good news is being sick hasn't affected baby as I went for my 12 week scan yesterday and baby is doing well. 53.4mm and saw it move and saw it's heart beating. What an amazing experience! G was so amazed, his face was a picture!

My cloud has gone

2009-06-24T15:18:00.002+02:00

Yay I woke up this morning and my cloud seemed to have disappeared! That is so amazing! About time stupid cloud! Still have to eat loads and lots of protein, but it is ok, all worth it. Plus I haven't put on any more weight ... weird, but I look like I have ... tee hee!

Went to see 2 customers today. 1 was far away, but really interesting and the other I felt like a poop with lots of teeth, but at least I went and got it over and done with for awhile!

The only thing is, driving is so exhausting, I get back to my desk and just want to put my head down and crash for 30 min! T

here was an accident on the N1 today and luckily I used my head and on the way back took an earlier off ramp, I drove all along the highway on the road next to it and was so glad I had used my head, clever girl!!! So I got home to eat at least 1hr faster than I would have ...

1 more customer tomorrow and then I think, or more hope that is the end of my customers for the next week! Whoop whoop!

Update

2009-06-23T09:40:00.002+02:00

Sorry I have been missing in action for the last few days Blogging diary! I have had a bit of a crappy week!

I guess I am not meant to blog about my boss, but I really don't care! He was here for 2.5 days Wed - Friday and I had to chauffeur him around to see our customers and he doesn't offer to drive morning sickness or not! Was a long 2.5 days! Friday I was a walking talking wreck! I had coccyx pain and was just tired and grumpy!

My weekend was good, can't complain, just very busy between braai's and teas and shopping at Builders Warehouse, G is making a frame for the fish tank he made for our room over a year ago! Went gyming and was just busy?

Yesterday I had to drive out to Roslyn (Roswell) and back to see 1 customer for 15min! What a long morning! Get home to my Dad arriving back from Howick and my sister arriving to pick up her bird and then my boss phones me in a mood from hell, craps all over me for a few things. Like posting something in accounts wrong (I am not an accountant, I have never studied to be 1, never been on a course to learn anything about it, but just know things), turns out he was wrong too! Haha! But can't see him taking that like a man, I will wait and see! And about other things! He must have been in a mood with something else and taken it out on me, but yesterday was not the day to do that and I argued back (which I never do) and put down the phone and promptly burst into tears and sobbed for a good 30min! Wow these pregnancy emotions are so whacked out! Not used to the crying and sad depressed feelings I keep getting!

So thanks to the tears, woke up with such bad sinus this morning along with bad morning sickness (poor G wakes up to me heaving at 5:30am.) So today then hasn't been a good 1, but am slowly coming out of the black cloud that has surrounded me for the last week!

I just wish it was the 1st July, I want that scan like you can't believe! I want to see a healthy little baby moving madly and letting me know all is ok! I feel things are still ok, but then I doubt myself and my feelings ...

I had a very odd dream the other night. I dreamt that this little hand and then this little foot would poke out of my tummy, but when I mean little I mean like smaller than a pinkie size! My skin stretched like a balloon in the shape of what was poking out, was really odd, but I was so happy when I woke up!

Missing hubby

2009-06-15T13:15:00.002+02:00

I feel better today. G is enjoying his diving, just not coping too well with the socialising part, which I am quite happy about cause that means he probably won't go alone again (am I mean?). He goes on a boys holiday once a year and that I don't mind about at all! They have a blast, play too many sports, eat too much junk and in general just have fun! I encourage it to the horror of my mother and MIL It is the going away with strangers that freaks me out a bit!

Shame he said I made the right choice not going, he said it isn't for non divers and the accommodation is communal and he said it just isn't me! Am I a snob ... yikes! But I think he is right. I wasn't keen on going at all, plus it took them 12 hours to get there instead of 8, due to heavy mist and a detour on the roads! if I was on the road for that long I would have been 1 grumpy bunny!

Yesterday I missed him like mad, but today I am ok, just wishing him a safe journey home after their dive tomorrow!

Sad Today

2009-06-12T08:46:00.003+02:00

Sad for a few reasons today.

1) Probably hormonal!

2) G is going away tomorrow morning (I have to drop him at 4am) for 4 days with 22 other people diving in Sodwanna and I don't want him to go, I want him to stay home with me!

3) This is the period when Splodge died in my last pregnancy and I don't want to be, but I am scared, I so want this little one I am carrying now! I really do!

4) My stupid dumb ass sister on Wed told me I was fat, but in such a way that just cut to the bone and knocked me off my feet! I normally don't let her upset me ever as she isn't very tactful ... ever! I am 1.75m tall and 58kg and pregnant! But this time it just pissed me off to the degree I want nothing to do with her for awhile! She arrived out of the blue yesterday afternoon to give me a hug WTF the last person I would want a hug from is her! Then it all became about her again and how wonderful she is (but poor me at the same time? How does she do that), luckily I was on my way out the driveway to go to gym, so didn't have to listen to her for too long! Dumb ass! Speak of the devil she just phoned??? I don't want to talk to her! My friend says it is always a competition with her with me, why? Leave me alone!

I just want to cry and cry and cry! My boss is up next week from Wed morning to Friday morning and I don't feel like him and G will just be home and he has made me make appointments at like 5pm at the other side of the city! So what time will I get home?

Sorry just blaaag today and am sad and I want it to be the 1st of July with good news!

Egypt

2009-06-08T14:40:00.002+02:00

Well when I was 21 my best friend & I decided to go to London and do the working, travelling thing, we did it for a year, it was learning curve and a blast at the same time. 1 place we went to was Egypt and did I love that place, after we had gotten back to London, then come back to sunny SA for a holiday, she stayed here and I went back to Lon for 6 months to save like mad then went to Egypt. I just loved that place. I stayed at our tour leaders place for a few weeks, went down to Hurghada, but didn't find work, so went back to Cairo, I found a job through a sister of a friend of the tour leader and worked as a teacher for 2 months, I taught English to 6 year olds and I seriously didn't cope. They came crying to me in Arabic and wanted me to fix them, I just couldn't as my Arabic was non existent.

So I put my cv in at a agency and became a secretary for a lawyer. Dr Nagla, she was 1 lawyer in a huge huge law firm over there, she was just brilliant. I loved working for her. She was such an inspiration to me. I used to work the oddest of hours 10am - 8pm and then sometimes when an article had to be in, I would work 24 hours, but get the next day off. We worked 6 days a week and Friday was our day off.

Was interesting in all as I worked in reception and there was a big hall outside my door on the 4th floor and at prayer time the guys would all throw down their mats and start their prayers, but to me it was awkward as Mecca was behind me ... not good, so I used to go disappear into the offices long side until they were finished and if the big boss called during that time, it was a nightmare to get upstairs to him, as I had to go past the prayers without them seeing me as I felt it was disrespectful to run past while they were praying. There was such a nice group of people working there. I became really good friends with a lawyer there, he was such a good friend and still is to this day. The amount of times I crashed into his office to chat and he was praying was uncountable, but he never got angry with me, he always just laughed later. He showed me places and introduced me to new people.

I became good friends with the tour leaders 1 friends ex girlfriend M. She was lovely, she reminded me of my 1 sister here. Her and her family were so kind to me. Her sister M2and I used to have major debates all the time, it was always good fun! It was an interesting family as the mom was Christian and the father was Muslim and the kids were brought up Muslim, but accepted the christian beliefs. they lived over the road from a church and the singing that came from there used to bring tears to my eyes. They had a cook that would come once a week and make food for the week. I loved the food there! Just loved it!

I got so used to the mosques and the calls it became part of my life and the cars charging down the 3 laned roads 5 cars abreast, was crazy, with all their honking and yelling, I am surprised there weren't more accidents.

Another friend of mine was a tour-leader's sister and her family, I was always invited to stay there and eat their. I became friends with 2 of the daughters and 1 ran away while I was there and the other 1 sadly died of MS at 26 years of age, a year after I got home. Was so sad as it happened so quickly, 1 minute fine, next minute MS and collapsed int he bat and couldn't be revived. She was an angel. So kind and caring.

I don't know what I would have done without these wonderful people in my life. I rented a 2 bedroom apartment and shared a phone with the floor below me. Was very weird! I learnt how to speak street Arabic from the tea boys at work and could shout the shop owners down, just like the rest of them. They used to refuse to bring me more of the coffee saying it was too rich for my foreign stomach. they were funny!

The poor Egyptians used to get so confused, they thought I was from America cause I was blond, but when I told them I was from South Africa, they used to laugh and say no way, you not black!

I went all over Egypt, to an oasis and down sand dunes on land rovers and Alexandra and the Pyramids way too many times and riding on Camels, now camels are not the most friendly creatures, they stink and they blow raspberries at you if you not careful. Every time I had people come visit from England (those were my only visitors, friends I had made there) I had to do all the sights with them, was quite funny, them with a foreign guide.

I took them all to a cruise on the Nile with Belly dancing and such. Always a bit hit and the people on the boat got to know me and make way for me, was fun.

I had a friend over from England and we were in another friends car and we were in a major accident, my friend was driving fast, but another car was reversing on a highway in the fast lane, so they hit each other. I broke my nose and stuffed up my back, my friend was in the front and she broke the windscreen wither her head and my friend the driver, he got beaten up by the other driver??? Was all crazy and all I could think was I must hold my handbag so it won't get stolen ... it wouldn't have there, crime was non existent then. We went to a hospital and were treated like queens!

There were some really dodgy guys, but learnt how to handle them ... I got a taxi once (that was how I travelled) and 1 drove away with me, wouldn't let me go, I had a gold ring on purpose and shouted at him that my husband was Egyptian and going to kill him, he took me straight to where I asked. I learnt the hard way there, but never felt threatened or unsafe. I even learnt the buses to the shock of my friend who would never catch a bus in their own country! i found 1 driver who I phoned and he would do my usual trips for me, made life easier!

I went to the dodgiest of dodgy neighbourhoods with a friend and as we walked to the flat we were going to the door opened by a fully covered girl and she was a guest there too, and the person I was with said "oh wow I haven't seen you for years, how are you? I didn't know you were coming", I sat there thinking, how how how did you know who that was under all that! Haha!

My friends came in all shapes and sizes and all religions and I love and respect all of my friends. Some were half covered and some didn't cover at all. I was treated like a man there because I was foreign. I could sit with the ladies or sit with the men. As they ate in separate rooms to eat if they were traditional. I often sat with the men, purely cause lots of the woman didn't speak English. was always a tough call for me.

I left there after just over 1 year to come home, it was my cousins wedding and I felt it was time to come home after travelling for just over 2.5 years. It was an experience of a lifetime and I loved being there and living their life. I look back now 11 years on and wonder how I did it, how I went to a foreign country that spoke no English and lived for a year with friends who's English was never excellent, but were kind and amazing. I could never do that now, no way, but guess it was something I had to do in my life and am so glad I did.

Why do I kneed a title

2009-06-04T07:58:00.002+02:00

Yesterday was so nerve wracking, even though I knew all was ok somehow? My last pregnancy I saw the baby dot at 4.3 weeks and then again at 6, the doc said he didn't need to see me till 12 weeks, but at 12 weeks there was nothing to see. So going to see what I thought was going to be a bigger little dot than at 6 weeks and it was 19.1mm, wow nearly 2cm! How awesome is that? He focused on the baby, who looked like a misshapen bean and I could actually see the little heart beating madly in it's chest! That was just the most amazing sight I could ever see, I just wanted to cry! Then he turned on the sound and heard the little heartbeat going so fast, was amazing. G came with and was a bit confused by it all!

Doc then sent us to his rooms to chat. He understood my nerves and was very sweet, actually told me more than he did last time, but we also asked more as we had more of an idea than last time! He has given me progesterone for another 15 days, so will take me to 26 June. He laughed when I said I did belly dancing and could I continue! He said it will probably become uncomfortable in the next few weeks, will pull and tug on the ligaments, but I can do it until I feel too uncomfortable. He said no running at all and no weights at the gym. Said I must only do light cardio and light weights on the mat, which is easy enough! So can do my walks around the neighbourhood every other day.

Shame my poor mom was in tears this morning on the phone to me, she is not coping with the dogs down there and is going to try find a home for the 1. It is so sad, but Skellum is a Jack Russel and wants attention all the time and cries when she is left alone and tries to get out and cause they renting, there is no fence so Mom has to put on their harnesses every time and at 2am it isn't easy! I really hope they can find her a good home cause she is the most divine friendly dog! Just has no car sense!

Happy

2009-06-02T13:19:00.002+02:00

Woke up feeling like the cloud that has been hanging over my head had disappeared! I had a bit more energy.

I love G so much, he sometimes drives me mad, but in general I absolutely love him to bits. I often think he thinks in the now and I forget that thinking about the now isn't G, he always has a plan for tomorrow. He told me last night we'll get through anything that is thrown at us and I think he is right, we will!

I am grateful he is coping with having my Dad stay with us with his damn pipe! I never believed my mother that it was such a menace! Geez that thing stinks and him with it. Neither G or I handle smoke at all being non smokers and G having asthma as a kid is more sensitive. so G putting up with him invading our space is wonderful. Thanks Gorgeous!

I am off soon to do my yearly eye test & get more lenses and perhaps more glasses as mine are terrible!

Weekend

2009-06-01T11:48:00.003+02:00

Shew what a social weekend. I am exhausted!

Friday I made taco's and both G & dad seemed to enjoy them, I struggled, but liked the salad side of them. Saturday I went to meet an old friend from school days, it was a lovely catch up! She hasn't changed, 1 bit! Spent 3 hours with her. Then got home to my messy kitchen my Dad was teaching G to make fruit liquores! My poor kitchen, so did a quick clean up and went off to Eileen's baby shower, which was lovely! Sheena & her mom put in soooo much work! Met Mandri! What a lovely lady! Got home to a house full of men to watch the rugby (G doesn't watch rugby, but my dad said he wanted to, so G made an evening of it!) I was so tired. I had a cup of tea, made a salad and baked some potatoes in the microwave and then sat down and didn't move much the whole evening. I crashed about 10 and didn't even hear everyone leave???

I was so grumpy yesterday, had our cousin get together here instead of the botanical gardens, was cold and was lovely, but my sister was in a poor me frame of mind and at the same time so bolshy about 4 of her ex's wanting her back????? I have no patience for her I really don't. The rest of us were having fun, then they left and my sister stayed and instead of having a nice chat she is negative and poor me all the time, I sometimes want to shake her and say wake up girl, there is more out there than what you see. Then I get stupid comments and I was so tired of socialising I eventually told her that it was time for her to leave! She wasn't happy, but I would have totally lost my cool.

I went and had a nap and felt better and then G came home from diving and starts on at me about my bosses choice and says maybe just take 2 months maternity leave as we can't afford more. Well I nearly lost it. I got so mad. Men just don't understand, I really don't think they do. I just wanted to cry and disappear into a hole in the ground for a few days! He took me out for Chinese last night and was much better. Think he spoke without thinking. Oh well time will tell with that, 7 months to be precise, well I guess less than, but anyway!

I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I must open my eyes and my ears and the answer will be told to me, but know I have to have patience! Patience is so hard to come by! Gee wish I could go buy it at a shop!

I sound negative too, guess I am having a down day!

Yay Yay it's Friday

2009-05-29T15:02:00.002+02:00

I am so happy it is Friday!

I have a busy weekend planned between meeting up with an old school friend and a braai for rugby and a party, then Botanical gardens on Sunday (weather permitting) to see my cousins and the heavy weight Jackson weighing in at 10.7kg @ 6 months!

All in all should be a good weekend, hope I can stay awake!

Change is Scary

2009-05-28T15:26:00.002+02:00

I work for my boss and we are a small 2 man band and I do all the admin and I go see a few customers too. But I hate seeing customers, I am shy and I get nervous and all in all I avoid it.

Yesterday my boss drops a bomb on my head and says he is taking all the admin away from me and giving it to his wife in Durban and I must go on the road Sales & Marketing. He wants her to come up for a week in August and learn the accounts and then by the end of November she will have learnt over 4 months all the rest of the admin. I am trying to figure out how pregnant I will be and driving around all the time and and and, he says it will be up and running properly by the time I come off Maternity Leave. But Um what does he want me to do in December? Does he want me doing all of this whilst pregnant now. I am so confused. I now have to get a full time nanny which I didn't want and so much to think about, but have to get further in my pregnancy before I worry too much I guess.

I need a kick in my rear end cause I am bored sh!tless and I need change, wasn't quite the change I was expecting, but guess it is a start.

But my boss is such a sneaky conniving bum, I just wonder what else is up his sleeve. I have to get UIF and he is hinting at 3 months, but I want 4 seen as he is stuffing me around I won't be as kind as I was, as I was going to help out from 6 weeks seen as the main office is in my back garden! But will I be giving him ammo to fire me if I demand. So difficult with that man, he is not a nice man, he can be, but don't' think he likes being kind! (eg. he had a mistress for 19.5 years of his married life!) What kind of man is that?

I think I mustn't think about it too much now and just get past the pregnancy milestones! Otherwise I will go mad!

My boss is on his way & I am tired

2009-05-27T10:37:00.002+02:00

Shew waking up at 5:30 when my Dad turns off the alarm every morning is taking some getting used to. I usually wake up with G's alarm at 6:15, which is only 45min later, but 45min is huge when you sleeping. So a bit tired and then by 3pm I am tired again, but find if I keep plodding I can keep going.

I am eating like a horse, I just never stop and it is so strange for me as I have never been a big big eater. With my last pregnancy I just couldn't eat, I felt ill all the time and the thought of food just KO'd me. This time round I am eating for 10 somehow. G laughs and tells his mom I even wake up and eat in the middle of the night, which is a lie as I only start on the Brazil nuts after I have been woken up at 5:30, so technically it is morning, even though it is still dark!

My boss is up from Durban today and I am not looking forward to it. At least we not gallivanting around the country seeing customers today and tomorrow, but we are brain storming and he has a list of ten thousand things he wants me to do. Which is good, but I am tired, I don't feel like doing anything too hectic! Oh well, will just have to grin and bare it. He says I have done loads of homework, hope you have done yours too. I am like what homework, did he give me any? 2 hours and counting! Then my freedom is gone for 2 days!

Sad

2009-05-25T13:23:00.002+02:00

I don't expect a huge amount of anything from my family and I love them all to bits, but sometimes they make me so so sad. My folks moved to Howick on Tuesday last week. In the entire week of speaking to them and finding out how the move was and all with phone calls and such, not once did anyone ask how I am feeling? How am I? How is this pregnancy? I don't expect constant anything, but just once would have been nice!

My mom phoned my Dad last night to see if he had gotten here ok and she said "Hello, I am so tired, the dogs exhaust me, I was out for tea twice with people here .... are you still pregnant? "pause" and then carried on talking about her ... " Just makes me want to cry. We had my sister and over and my Dad is stayng with us from last night for a braai and G said "Belinda is eating so much and not as nauseous this time", then I think they clicked, but it wasn't a big click!

Why do I expect more? Why am I so alone? I love my family, but shit they make me want to cry!

how I met my Hubby

2009-05-22T14:45:00.004+02:00

I feel shy copying all the bloggers I follow, but why not!

I was married before to what I thought was the love of my life, but it was just his looks & power over me. He was bad news! I was married for a whopping 14 months, but was with the idiot for 4.5 years! He had blinkers over my eyes! He left me for someone else, but it was the best thing that happened to me and I have never looked back.

5 month after he left I was with a friend and we had to go fetch her brother from his friends house as they had just gotten back from a boys holiday. So I tagged along and it was the 1st time I met her brother and some of his friends. The guy who's house we fetched him from was Gareth's. I saw him and though nerdy, but oh so cute, but left it at that ... I was still enjoying single life.

I started rock climbing when my ex left and loved it, went with the friend & her brother (the one we went to fetch) every weekend and I loved it. 3.5 months after I saw G for the 1st time, they said the guys are all coming to climb too! And guess who was with them? Yup Gareth. I still thought wow and I could talk to him and didn't freeze up. Now all these guys are electrical engineers, and engineers are special right ... well my friend has 2 doctorates and is 1 brainy girl. Anyway we were all talking and G asked me ... so what do you have a doctorate in? Well I nearly died, I have never been to university, I never studied, I just started working straight from school, then traveled overseas for 1.5 years, so ja. I thought oh well I will be too dumb for him didn't know what to say, my friend saved my little arse and said she works as .... blah blah blah and moved on. I still felt dumb! Later he aid he was having a braai at his house the following weekend and asked if we wanted to go, but I assumed he didn't mean me?

The next weekend my friend said so you coming to G's braai, I was like me... I didn't know I was invited. But I went and G had this other girl there that followed hm around so ended up chatting to his brother all night. But I am dead shy when I 1st meet people so mainly stayed by myself.

A month later 1 of the guys had a braai at his place and I was invited again and so was my cousin. Now my cousin is drop dead gorgeous, all men fall for her! I told her who he was and I thought he was cute and he spoke a bit to her and she turned to me and said that man really likes you? I said me, no way!

We had a dvd valentines day 1 night and he was there, I think it was a Mon or Wed.

That following Monday I was out with my mom for dinner and my phone rang and it was G asking me out for dinner. My mom said if I wasn't sitting down I would have fallen over I went white and then lobster red! He had asked for 2 diff nights and 1 I couldn't but the other I could. So we went. Man was I so nervous I just giggled all night, like a little school girl??? I invited him for a cooked meal the following weekend and we saw each other once a week for ages and it turned into twice a week, was truly amazing. We became friends long before lovers and it took him 1 month to hold my hand and 2 months to kiss me, but boy it was just amazing. Found out he checked out my cousin, but realised fast she was hard work and she looked fake to him and he just found me so fascinating! ??? Me??? The chick that followed him was really just a good friend, she is still now! He didn't care that I hadn't studied, was quite glad I hadn't cause his ex was a fanatic. Oh before we even started dating I told him I would never ever get married again. I said been there done that bought the t-shirt - Clever hey? We never lived together, but he would stay over once a week, that is all. All I can say is had very good morals!

We had been dating 1 year 5 months when he asked me to marry him and I said yes. We bought a house and moved in the October 2006 and we were married 24 February 2007. I am even more in love now than I was when I met him and wouldn't swap him for the world.

Fidget

2009-05-20T09:57:00.003+02:00

I am bird sitting my sisters bird while my sister is helping my folks move and having a holiday at the same time. Poor little thing. She is a hands on bird, want attention all the time and I wish I had more time to do that for her, but find it hard, especially when my attention isn't on her 100% and the cats are around. I feel safer having her in the cage. Both her and Olive are sitting outside my office door in the sun on the grass and Olive is digging holes (for a change) and Fidget keeps going down onto the grass to see what is so exciting that Olive is doing down there. Then keeps yelling "What you doing' "Where you been". Olive isn't a hands on bird. The people who had her before abused her and teased her and pulled her tail and such, so she goes for hands. I have tried to get her to be ok, but she only is for short periods of time. But she loves to be picked up in a towel and put on my chest and cuddles that way, she makes sweet nothings to me and we have a good cuddle. My little baby. Plus she gives the cats attitude, if they come anywhere near her, she bites them. So our house other than having the 2 cats, 3 tropical fish tanks, 2 ponds and Olive, we now have Fidget for a week. It is a real zoo here.

Went Belly dancing last night, but didn't enjoy it. I had a sore stomach (gas)...???? And just was so tired from the day. But got home and G had run my bath, opened the garage so I could just drive in, so I only had to make a stirfry, which I had prepared before I went, but I was in bed and fast asleep by 9:45. But woke up at 2 and then struggled to sleep again.

I wonder if Acer will bring my pc back today and fixed. I am wondering if that is wishful thinking? I will give them 1 more hour then phone and start bugging them! I want my real PC!

Saying bye bye for now

2009-05-19T14:08:00.002+02:00

So went to help my folks with the last things and sort out the dogs while the movers were packing. My poor mom, she is in such a state, she doesn't handle stress well and moving is stressful. They have been in that house for 21 years and sorting 21 years of stuff out has taken a year and today loads was chucked. Loads into my car (thanks mom) ,not, as she decided I must have this stuff. Life where am I going to put it and what would I do with it! Funny, but will pass it on the needy after a couple of months. I am sure they won't miss it when they come to visit!

The people who were moving in officially can move in tomorrow and organised a company to put a pool cover on and ADT to come install an alarm at the same time the movers were moving everything out. I mean how dumb are some people. So had to take the dogs to the main bedroom so they couldn't get out and the pool people took so long, they pee'd on the carpet ... whoops! I tried to clean it, but half the detergents were packed, but ummm what did they expect? hee hee I think it is funny! The dogs telling them what the thought of them ...

At least my 1 sister was driving down with the folks to help them unpack! My poor folks! Are so knackered! Their cars were full to brimming. I gave the dogs Valium (as per vets prescription) and it worked on the little dog, but not the bigger one. Hope the journey down goes ok!

Can't believe an era has passed now ... time for new and time for changes! Good changes I hope!

Blue Monday

2009-05-18T11:45:00.002+02:00

Had to go get bloods today and the roads were a mess thanks to an accident on the highway and the on ramp just up from us being closed. So that took a lot longer than planned and was damn sore, stupid nurse must have also been having a blue Monday too. Eventually get home and go switch on my pc that has been at Acer for repairs for a week and .... (drum roll) it still won't switch on? The people at Acer literally told me I was smoking my socks cause all was ok! So I phone them and now they have to send a technician around... Tomorrow ... I am out all morning helping my parents move, so they had better come in the afternoon. Then plugging in my old pc again, I kept bashing my head. I hadn't eaten and it was 9:20 and I am a grumbly plank if I don't eat. Oh plus my boss phones in the middle of that all wanting info that I can't give him as it is on my pc that won't start! And he doesn't quite understand the concept of ... not starting ... so no info! Sigh! So all in all I am grumpy!

We had a good weekend I guess. G is sick and passed his cold on to me. Mine is just a sore throat so can handle it I think! Neither of us has been doing much exercise and G still has to loose 5kg and he is so bad when it comes to chocolates and cakes, add that to no exercise and ...yup the kg don't go!

I'm going to miss my Mom.

TGIF

2009-05-15T15:15:00.002+02:00

G had a cold from Wednesday and I dosed him up madly and he seems to be on the mend. This morning I wake up and I think ... oh crap .... I am getting it and there is nothing I can do, except have hot toddy's minus alcohol, but add ginger!

We have my folks farewell dinner tonight and I am ready to curl up on my bed and stay there for the rest of the weekend! Not go anywhere. Then tomorrow night we going to Pta to watch an ocean thing at Imax in the evening, just for hubby dearest as he is dying to go, poor man is addicted. Then Sunday we supposed to be going to Miracle Waters for him to do another course, but he thinks he is still a bit too sick so might cancel. Yes, yes, yes, that is the last thing I feel like doing, is socializing with strangers when I am feeling under the weather!

I got my pc back from Acer just now and I want to go back there and jump on the technicians head. The dumb idiot tells me that everything I reported was fine and my pc is working and he has no problems starting it and I think great, just typical of stupid Murphy's Law. I bring it home, plug it in and ... you got it ... nada, not a thing. Then eventually it just booted on it's own?????? I just want to scream, why do pc's do this to me? I must say it is nice to have a modern pc that works fast back, but geez it better start behaving!

I met a new customer today and they are oh so cool, found out they actually make the capsules for pregnavit, how weird is that? She was so nice, I am so used to walking into these companies that are in the dodgiest parts of the city and have these yukky men who think they are God's gift and I must just bow down to them, or they think woman are inferior and can't be bothered with me. I only have a handful of woman and when they nice it is even better.

Wow

2009-05-14T15:15:00.002+02:00

It is amazing that 3 of us on our forum are pregnant around the same time. Now I want more? Am I greedy. I want another at least 3 if not more in the next couple of weeks/month! I am greedy, I want to see my cyber friends happy and pregnant too. Please please please God, Please let these lovely ladies fall pregnant soon soon so we can all have babies around the same time.

Now a nother part to my story ...

My best friend of what 21 years (yikes that makes feel old) and I happened to fall pregnant 2 weeks apart last time. She had no clue she was and I knew from 4 weeks 1 day? So when she said she wasn't feeling right and AF hadn't arrived, I told her to go get a test, which she eventually did about 4 days later and then only tested 3 days after that (see me, I would have and was testing from day 1) and then didn't believe that the 2 stripes actually meant she was. She was in denial. Don't blame her for many reasons (not my place to go into), but she was so unhappy about being pregnant and I was so happy about being pregnant, but we could walk the road together and it was such a nice feeling to hold someones hand and visa versa along the week by week pregnancy walk!

Then when I got to my 12 week mark, I lost my little 1 and I thought life was so unfair, how could someone who didn't want a kid keep theirs and me who wanted a kid so bad, loose mine? Why was God so unfair,? Such a mean ungodly thought? I didn't think like that for all that long, as I saw changes in her. I have seen her grow and seen her bond and see her care and my heart goes out to her. She is such a strong person, with many challenges in her life and she keeps plodding on. I believe things happen for a reason and God gave her this little 1 for many reasons and I can look back and see that now! More clearly than I could before. She needs this LO in her life to help her along her path. She is due in 8.5 weeks and I so wish I was closer to her to be with her. I hate it that she lives so far away.

She said to me today, notice how we talk "shop" again ... I felt so guilty, I knew but didn't realise how I spoke baby with her, but only half heartily. I am sorry my friend. Please forgive me. Forgive me for being selfish, I didn't mean to be.

All sorts

2009-05-13T12:31:00.003+02:00

Olive is hysterical. My little bird is going through I assume nesting season and I bring her out to the grass outside my office and let her play in the grass. The mad little nutter has dug a hole so big that I can just see her little bum and tail sticking out as she digs. They must nest underground?

I am not enjoying this weather! I love summer, summer is my friend! It is so nice out there in the sun, I wish I could take my pc out and work out there, my office is in a garden flat at the bottom of our garden and the sun doesn't come anywhere near it in winter. I just freeze 100%. Plus I have bad circulation and my feet get it the worst, so I have a bar heater on, but I feel it is too early for a bar heater!

I am 5 weeks today and it is scary. I feel calm, but scared at the same time if that makes sense. I am not sick yet, last time I had the worst morning sickness ever and I am usually a pukey person, any smell any gross looking thing ... yup I gag and then hurl. So I am confused with this one. Maybe it will come later, or maybe I am lucky and it won't come at all. Plus I have no problem with eating, I eat constantly, last time I could not eat other than rusks and dead dead meat? Should I take this as a good sign? But I feel ok and feel all will be ok this time around.

I went to get progesterone suppositories today and ended up taking to the pharmacist and she said she was on them for all of her pregnancies. She said she her 1st pregnancy she gave birth at 28 weeks and her little baby girl died 6 days later. She said she she thought the world had ended and she found God again and he wouldn't give us anything that wasn't meant to be. Which I agree with, but hard to swallow sometimes. She said she now has 3 kids and wonders why she worried so much before. Just always nice talking to people who know! Who have been through things ... people that haven't just don't understand at all. They think they do, but they don't ... only a few people do and those people are special! Then the ladies who have and are supportive are just the best ... who could be more special than people who have been through the same or worse! I have met a lot of you ladies recently and you mean the world to me already! Thanks!

Weird

2009-05-11T10:32:00.002+02:00

How is this for weird!

I had my D&C for my angle 13 January 2009

Little baby S is due 13 January 2010

My grandfather's b-day was 13 January

I know babies don't come on their due dates, but I am taking this as a good sign!

It was G's birthday on Saturday and I was very romantic, I bought him a chain saw .... but that is what he wanted, funny man. Friday night we went out with friends and Saturday night I took him to the Fat Olive, I love that restaurant! Then yesterday we had a combined birthday for him with mother's day at our place for tea, it was going to be 8 people and turned in 15, was crazy, didn't know I had enough coffee mugs until yesterday! At least it wasn't too cold inside and we could sit on the patio, don't know if everyone would have fitted in our lounge! Was a good afternoon, just so many people at once is overwhelming. I am not good with lots of people ... wish I was, but can admit I am not.

It is so cold in my office, I must go sit in the sun and warm up now!

Was hoping, but not expecting

2009-05-07T12:58:00.003+02:00

Every month it is an are we, aren't we thing and it drives us all bonkers right! Wel this month I thought there is absolutely no chance at all that we are pregnant! We were BD for fun not for conceiving this month and on Sunday I woke up in agony, my uterus felt like it was being beaten up by a baseball player! Ow ow ow! It eased, but didn't go away the whole day. Monday woke up and it was gone, so thought implantation or AF arriving! But was betting on AF!

Tuesday I go belly dancing and feel all of AF in her glory on her way.

Wednesday AF was meant to arrive but decided to take a Clear Blue HPT and it said positive! hee hee! So I thought hold on a minute, so tried a Clicks 1 and it took longer, but also came back positive, so I went to my homeo to take blood and today I get back the results today and my count is 444.5 and she says I am 5 - 6 weeks, but I know I am only 4, but it was such a surprise cause I wasn't expecting it this month! Thank you God!

I am sure it was the agnus castus sorting out my hormones.

Today I feel that pressure! I can't explain it, but it is a different pressure, I felt it last time and only feeling it this time do I remember that feeling! Then thinking back on holiday every night G & I would watch TV and I would be fast asleep on his chest by 8pm, which is not like me, I normally hold off till 9:30pm haha.

Now going to get my progesterone tested tomorrow and see how it goes! Pin cushion time again!

It is 6 months since I fell pregnant with Splodge. The due date of this little 1, all going well is 13 January 2010. Yikes!

Mom & Dad

2009-05-06T10:56:00.003+02:00

I must be honest and say my Mom & Dad have been the best support group around. My Mom always worries that maybe she didn't do something right bringing us up, but I think they did a good job. As being a parent is what most of us dream to do, but actually doing it isn't as easy as we would like to believe (I think).

I was a mistake, my folks had their 2 girls and were happy, then 1 day they had a bit of a chance when both my sisters were taking a nap and they did something that none of us like to think our parents do. My mom didn't use her diaphragm as they were caught in the moment and figured that it was the totally wrong time of the month to fall pregnant, so thought, what the hell. But little did they know that I was waiting in the wings for that slight little opportunity to join my family.

Poor Mom when she realised she was pregnant again, by mistake she was so unhappy, she really didn't want a 3rd child. Finances were already quite tight and having a 3rd 1 would make them more so. But soon into the pregnancy she changed her mind as it was an easier pregnancy. Everything about her pregnancy was different so they decided I was their boy! Shame little did they know. They hadn't even chosen a girls name, as that is how convinced they were that I was a boy. I am so glad I wasn't a boy as my name would have been Crispan? I arrived 10 Feb 1976 at 23h30 (30min before their anniversary) and 7 days early. My mom said as I came out I looked up and my eyes were watching the doctor and Dad the whole time. She said I was their ray of sunshine, I was always a happy baby and so easy. When I started to crawl they called me Sweet pea as I used to crawl out of the baby grow (don't' all babies).

My 1 sister always used to tell me I was adopted and I think part of me hoped I was, that I wasn't part of this mad family, but as the years past and we all grew up, there was no mistaking we are all part of the same family.

My parents have always been there for me, in their own way, possibly not always the way I wanted them to be, but I always tried to be open and host with them, but might have told a few lies!!! They I think thought I was nuts when I went overseas and sent back pictures of me smoking a joint in Amsterdam and a photo of me with a new belly ring in undies, a bobbies hat & F** me boots! Poor folks! They supported me through an abusive boyfriend, stupid boyfriends, my crazy goth years, my wedding, my divorce, my next wedding (even though they were nervous), my pregnancy & my miscarriage!

I know I moan about my Mom a bit, but to her I have always been the strong child, that she can come cry on my shoulder and phone me needing cheering up and I accepted that role and when the time came for me to break down and cry I don't think she quite knew how to handle it all. I wasn't the daughter she was used to. So I can't blame her, I think I should look at myself more and think You let everyone believe you were strong all the time, why do you expect them to understand when you are weak?

My Dad, well my Dad has never been a man of many words, he was always the clown ... turning his cap backwards on the beach and pretending he was a gorilla to embarrass us all! Him catching 2 baby fish when I was 5 and telling me to tell everyone else, that I had caught them. Him not being the disciplinarian in the house, but if Dad shouted or spoke sternly, then you know you had done something wrong, cause Dad was always nice. But he was always there to help, like putting up lights when I was suddenly living alone or buying me something when he knew I had no money.

I think I have the best parents ever and am very very lucky. Even though now I sometimes feel I am more the parent than them and it isn't a good feeling to feel like that and to see them age and worry about things you know they would never have worried about 5 - 10 years ago.

I can't expect them to be as excited about things as I am, or sad about things as I am. But I know no matter what, they love us all and would do anything for us.

I have 13 days left with them in the same province as me before they are off to their new life and it is going to be so strange not having them just a few km away. Dad will be coming back and staying with us for a few weeks until he can finish off his retirement, which will be odd. But this is the end of an era in life and it is going to be strange getting used to it!

I love my folks!

Frustrations

2009-05-05T08:56:00.002+02:00

Yet again I am moaning about work! How can I be so bored. I can make work for myself and keep myself busy, but I don't really want to. It is so bad! I mean I am being paid to work, so I should work, but I would rather spend my time doing anything but work and I am only just starting my 2nd day after a lovely holiday, where oh where is the enthusiasm? My boss drives me mad. He is 1 of the most frustrating people I know, he gives with 1 hand and takes with the other. He expects everyone to pay him on time and jump for him and when he says jump everyone must bow down and say how high your majesty! BUT when it is him paying other people he craps them out for asking and not just understanding where he is coming from. Man it pee's me off and I have been working for him for 9 years and I am bored, but I work from home, I have flexible hours and freedom in general. So why would I leave? What would I do other than this? I have no degree and no actual vision of what I would really like to do. Other than be pregnant and at the end of it be a mom to a healthy happy baby! Maybe that is where my focus is at the moment, hence the frustrations with work.

I still have to work around patience. Patience or lack thereof is my downfall every time. When I decide I want something, I then want it now, I don't want to wait or anything, I just want it NOW! How do I teach myself patience? Patience ..... patience ... where are you my friend? Come play, please come play with me! I promise to listen and be good!

Holiday, Signs

2009-05-04T09:16:00.005+02:00

Wow, wow & wow again!

This holiday was absolutely wonderful, our Feb one, I was just too stressed out and freaked out and emotionally raw.

We stopped 1 night in Howick and saw where my parents are retiring to in 2 weeks (yikes), what a lovely village. I think it will suit them down to the ground. It is so peaceful and tranquil and beautiful. Yay for M&D! Hope all goes well!

Then off to Umkomaas for a night! Not my favourite spot, but the B&B was good. G did his diving, shame the 1st dive he got so seasick on the boat so didn't enjoy it too much, but managed to see a whale shark - lucky bum! We went to this absolutely divine restaurant in Scottborough, called Dodo's, absolutely wow! The food was so yummy and not expensive. Really great. G did another dive in the morning, plus I had given him my motion sickness tablets, so he enjoyed that dive way more. Sounds awesome down there other than the sharks, but still don't think I could force myself to start diving ... does that make me boring? Oh well tough. I managed to read loads, to the point that I thought shew I need to do something else.

Got to Sanlameer and thought wow, why was the last time we came here 4 years ago. That place just has this feeling of peace and nature, even though there are hundreds of units, they are painted to blend into the natural vegetation around. The day we arrived it was raining, but stopped just long enough to get all our luggage into the unit and then started again!

All we did most of the holiday was laze on the beach, walk on the beach, swim, then walk around San Lameer and then went for 1 hike at a nature reserve on the rainy day. Oh and to the waffle house. Met a friend and her husband & kids there and then bumped into Eileen, which was cool, pity we had made plans with my friends, would have been nice to sit with her and her hubby!

We were so so lucky with the weather, only 2 rainy days, which isn't bad at all. On the Wed G went back up to Umkomaas to dive and I went for a walk along the beach and sat on the rocks staring out at the sea and contemplating life. As I was walking along the beach I was thinking what sign can I ask for, for things to go well and I couldn't think of anything other than the obvious??? The next day G & I went walking along the beach and I suddenly though a cowry, that is the sign I want cause I haven't found a cowry on the beach in many many years even though we always used to find them as kids at Shelley beach. But I didn't have much hope as the shells on that beach are few and far between. But low and behold I looked down at this lonesome ownsome shell on 1 section and what was it??? Yup a cowry! How awesome is that! So told G and he laughed, then he found a half 1 and then later I found another 1. How special is that???? I couldn't stop smiling! I smiled all day. Not sure what it means, but it is a sign for good things to come with the TTC journey I am sure. We never saw any more and G & I are always searching for shells, we never can just walk on a beach, ever! I feel truly blessed!

Swimming in the sea is so cleansing and other than being dumped by the waves, felt really good. G & I decided that sand is sexist, no matter if I was in the sea for 2 min or 15 min, I always came out with a bikini top full full of sand? But G who spends like 30 odd min in the sea at a time, hardly hand any in his costume... Well I suppose it doesn't hug him tight, but neither really does my bikini, useless piece of material!

I slowly am getting used to that herbal concoction the homeo gave me, still vile and smells like smelly socks, but anyway. I managed to read 4.5 books and spends lots of QT with G. 1 thing I found strange was that 95% of the people at Marina beach and San Lameer were young families with young kids. Was it to slap me in the face or to give me hope? I think I will go with the hope! There were preggy ladies and all sized kids, and twin babies and young kids learning to ride their bikes, no matter where I looked I saw young kids. & to tell you the truth I was ok with it. Still wish for it for me, but seeing these happy little families gave me so much more hope!

Our last day there was the best weather, calm sea and just truly amazing! Was just bliss. The drive home on Saturday wasn't bad, 704km ... isn't long but is.

This is funny -

The symbolism of the Cowry shell is associated with the appearance of its underside: the lengthwise opening makes the shell look like a vulva ... hahaha, how apt is that? Oh well!

Oh and this .... The shells represent the eyes of the Gods and the womb of the Goddess.

Twiddling my thumbs waiting for G

2009-04-24T10:06:00.002+02:00

I thought I was going to be so busy today that I wouldn't have time to write in my "journal" but time is now slowly passing and G is only leaving work at 11, so have time to kill.

Went for my BT session today and Dr EB asked so what are we working on today and I said whatever comes up, so he laughed. Came up that I am too critical on myself ... duh), he says I think something is wrong that I am doing, then I get critical on myself that I picked it up??? He is running a program on me over the next 9 days to help! He said it comes from a past life and I can't let go, no matter what I do I am critical on me ... which is 100% right. Funny I know all this stuff about BT, but still get pleasantly surprised in sessions that he can pick up so much. He said it should help me to have a lovely holiday, which I hope it does! I told him about the yukky herbal tonic the homeo gave me and he said he was just about to suggest it (DrEB is a herbalist too) anyway, he is so funny. I can't believe it is so difficult to get an appointment now with him, when I 1st knew him he wasn't into BT and hardly had any clients. Amazing how things change... his girlfriend is pregnant, due in June. She looks lovely! Still not that easy to see pregnant people, but I can do I know I can! He still wont marry her, funny guy, but he would never leave her, so guess that is a good thing as he loves her lots!

I left there popped into Spar to drop off invoices and such and went past the cooked stuff and this plate of Russian & chips just kept calling out to me, so I felt bad for it and bought it and now ate it and it is only 10:15! Yikes ... how unhealthy am I. The little old lady in the queue next to me laughed and said if you feel like it go for it ... so I did! Now I have to drink 6 glasses of water to get rid of the grease! Yuk! & then go sit in a car for 5 hours ... oh dear. Clever Belinda! Very very clever!

Last post for awhile

2009-04-23T12:25:00.003+02:00

Thanks for the comments on our babies. Animals are so amazing!

I can't believe how I am enjoying letting stuff out here. Quite funky!

G & I go away tomorrow, can't wait. Except for the drive. G is going diving in the sea which he is ecstatic about, yay for G and I get to curl up and hopefully tan on the beach with a book or 10! Woo hoo.

Today I went and got my hair cut and then decided to see the homeo to try get my shoulders away from my ears (earring shoulders) and decided if she could see me today then I was meant to go as I have never been to her before. Low and behold she had a space at 10, so off I tootle and I really liked her as she is like 2 min away from my house. Which is bliss.

Went through the whole medical history and the reason I was there and she did all sorts of test and such and turns out I was pregnant last month, but it didn't stick! Again! Oh well, at least I know I can fall pregnant, now I just have to figure out how to make it stick and grow and be and and and! She gave me injections up and down my shoulders & neck (ouch) and then something into the ovary area? Then this tonic to take and it is vile, when I mean vile, I mean vile! It is only for 2 weeks, hope I can stick it for then ... but I will cause I just will!

So somehow work has to fall into this day too and ja, not doing too well there, but at least I am off from tomorrow!

My babies

2009-04-21T15:15:00.003+02:00

I can't upload this on the forum cause I am blond, but here are my 3 little babies, The green one is Oilve, She is an abandoned abused little birdy I got after the vets assistant killed my little Milo by mistake, she loves beig held in a towel and chats away to anyone and love to bite, but it is more a game for her than anything else. She is about 7 now.

The mainly white little kitty is Maija, she is just too gorgeous, not cuddly, but oh so friendly and spends her time trying to get the loo roll off the holder and then pulling all the paper off. She is a very vocal cat. The grey strippy one is Zoe, now she is a cuddler of note, especially G at night in front of the tv and she has a lion sized purr. Lovely, what could be more peaceful! They are 10.5 months old.

They are like children to us. We spoil them rotten ...

Tuesday/Friday?

2009-04-20T14:06:00.005+02:00

I agree with Eve, I should go get a punching bag, will do me the world of good. Then I can lend it out to all my friends and family that feel in need of a release too ... would be amazing to see how many people would actually want to use it! Haha. I am sure a few!!

So far today I am feeling better than yesterday, which is absolutely grand. Plus tomorrow being a holiday is a big big bonus. We are going to vote, but because we can just walk 80m down the road to vote, we are going to try go early like 7:30 to get it out the way and enjoy our day off. Woo hoo! Then 1 more day of work, well that is what I have told my boss, but will be in for a little bit on Friday and holiday here we come.

Went to gym last night and managed to do what I had to, but geez it was busy, at 8pm. Plus it is al the smelly boys with their mucho images, they do make me laugh though. Then sat down to read and watch G & his brother play squash for the last 10min. Little Zoe & Maija were so cuddly last night with me and weren't happy with Dad for taking them to bed when he went to sleep. If only they didn't take up my half of the bed when sleeping, otherwise they could sleep the night with us! Funny kitties.

I still can't get into the whole work thing, this year has been bad bad bad with that! I just can't focus. I have to try when we get back from the coast. I think Mr boss man might get annoyed with me if I don't. Not that he has done much focusing in the past few years until now, but guess he is the boss! But let me go and actually try .... try get Zoe off my lap 1st to go!

Punching bag

2009-04-20T14:06:00.003+02:00

Another post today ....

Once in the past I felt I wanted to go out and buy a punching bag, not those huge big heavy ones, but the little onces that bounce fast .... well I want one again, I think that is a good sign .... I think ... I think ... just to release all the nonsense!

Hahaha here I am typing about punching bags and my little parrot Olive is sitting in the office with me for some "Olive time" and she promptly climbed down off her travel cage onto my desk, grabbed my pink clutch pencil from next to me and climbed all the way back up with it, held it in her claws and started coo coo cooing to it. Just made me laugh. Thanks Olive!

.......

2009-04-20T09:16:00.002+02:00

Why am I suddenly feeling all anxious and stressed again? I was feeling great by the end of last week! How can that peaceful feeling dissapear so quickly?

We had a good weekend, had a few good laughs and some veg time. Was great. Went to G's cousin's litle ones 1st birthday and I sadly enough found it harder than I thought I would. There was this lovely pregnant lady there and she looked so lovely and glowingly (is that a real word?) pregnant (other than uncomfortable) and I just thought, no fair, that should be me. Bah, hate this!

I at last made a consious effort and I sorted out the end room as it had just become a dumping ground for everything. I think I used to go into there to just dump stuff and not put it away as all the baby stuff we got from a friend who was immagrating is in there and it is a reminder everytime I go in there on what we have lost! I know within my heart of hearts that we will have a happy bouncing baby in the near future, but I can't help but let that little niggling feeling of doubt kreep into my brain, I try to shoo it out, but it isn't easy. Then yesterdayI sorted out "my room" hung up allt he inherited paintings we got and tidied up all the "dress up clothing" - haha reading that sounds kinky. Put away all the bills and stuff, so I feel cleansed in a different way now too. The clutter has gone! G made an awesome meal last night, it is so nice that he has taken to cooking and he is so good at it, he wants to try all these new recipie's and I am boring and do the same old same old. But I get a break from cookign once a weeka nd it is sooooo nice. I am spoilt!

We go away on Friday. I hope I can relax this holiday, these anxious horrible feelings must fly far far far away and NOT come back! My angel cards keep telling me to go to the ocean ... so that is what we are doing ... well that was planned before I kept getting them,, but still! A swim in the ocean will be awesome! The last part of my cleansing process!

Tears

2009-04-17T15:10:00.002+02:00

I have realised that tears aren't a bad thing. They aren't good when used for sympathy or to get something, but they are brilliant to release emotions and frustrations ... yes I know, finding this out at the age of 33, but hey? What can I do .... I am learning! I used to be the cry baby when I was a teenager and then I went exact opposite after my divorce, wouldn't cry for anything for years and years and years! But now since my mc or actually in the last few weeks, I have realised it isn't a bad thing to show weakness when you sad or upset. Just like laughing when you happy, it is all a good thing if used correctly. That is my words of wisdom for myself today!

Poor G, I think the tears freak him out, but he is so good to me when they do come. I am very blessed to have the the hubby I have, he is awesome!

Only 1 hour left then I can happily log off from work and know my boss can't harrass me!!! Yippee!

On the mend

2009-04-16T12:28:00.002+02:00

I went to the psychologist today and I am officially on the mend. Woo hoo! He said that my break down over AF arriving last week was a good thing and by breaking down and crying my little heart out meant I was on the mend! Yay, he alsosaid it is a good thing I am sorting out my hormones and said that by taking the natural root I am giving myself time. He said he thinks our time is up and good luck for the future and many happy things to come. So I can hope and pray that in the next 6 months I will be pregnant again and all will go well.

My bbs are still feeling rather large, but I can feel my love handles are slowly becoming a bit smaller ... yay Belinda go go go. You cn do it.

Soup

2009-04-15T13:13:00.002+02:00

Mmm just had soup for lunch. was actually yummy, hope it lasts and keeps me going for my run this afternoon. Doubt it though, even though I had a piece of seeded loaf with cheese.

I hope the agnus castus helps the weight as that is from hormones, I just know it. I spoke to tracy today, my dearest sis who I always go to for advice, she said I must keep on it for this full month and then 2 weeks of next month, which makes sense, so will do that. got to get my self back to normal ... gotta gotta!

Work was actually busy today for the morning, which was nice for a change, but saying that I should stop searching the net and clean up my desk and file stuff ... my dreaded job.

At least tomorrow is Thursday, so nearly weekend, yay!

How am I feeling today? Well in the just of things ok, read up that stuffed up hormones can give you anxiety attacks and make you depressed. So that makes me feel normal, which is great. So am on the mend. I was with G in the morning to try get his wet suit fixed and he sent me on a wild goose chase, I don't know how seen as I was driving and he was navigating and got everything wrong!!! And I am pleased to say I didn't blow up at him or snap, I made a joke and we laughed, which tells me I am on the mend ... woo hoo!

Work after a Long weekend

2009-04-14T11:58:00.000+02:00

This long weekend did me the world of good, I feel a bit more relaxed and I feel different? Can't say how, but I do.
I treated Gareth & myself on Saturday and he went for a back, neck & shoulder massage & I went for reflexology and low and behold my thyroid is playing up, hence the mood and all that. I had boiled it down to hormones, but at least they confirmed it. Plus she said I need to detox, which I am doing and I can't say I feel any different, but have only been on it for 2 days so far. I am drinking more water and my stomach isn't working as well (tmi, I know) but that is it!

I have started back on my Agnus Castus for the hormones and can feel a big difference there already! BUT the woman at the health shop sad it will help me through pregnancy, but the articles on google say it won't, so I am confused! I will make an appt to go see a homeopath once we back from our holiday and decide from there.

It all in all was a lovely weekend, we lazed and we were busy and we did all sorts. I organised a Easter Egg hunt for our friends around our garden and it was dark so had to use torches, which was good fun. Funny how going back to the basis with things like that bring out the child in us. It is lovely.

Yay 4 day weekend

2009-04-09T14:10:00.003+02:00

I have been looking forward to this weekend for months, no clue why, probably just because I don't have to work for 4 days. I really hate my job at the moment. But I work from home, so ja!

Yesterday when AF arrived, I just cried and criend and cried. Poor Gareth, he is not used to me being this emotional at all. All new for him! Actually all new for me too.

I was so convinced I was pregnant and then finding out I am not pregnant is heart breaking! Oh and then of all things my mom phones in the middle of 1 of my sobbing sessions with Gareth and starts telling em all her issues and didn't even pick up that I was sad. Then later I phoned her to ask her about a recipie and told her that AF arrived and I am not pregnant and what did she say ... "Oh well" yup that was it, just "Oh well" .... I was devestated, I cried and cried and cried after that too.

But I think I have to stop focusing on this, well try cause it is so much easier said than done and carry on with my life as I have so much else to live for, not just a baby as I am 100% positive that will come in it's own time and it will come.

My 2 little cats are to die for, they are so funny and then Olive, my little ring neck! I am blessed with my pets. gareth is the best husband and so sweet.

So let me focus on something else.

Our gate motor is on the blink again! Can you believe it. This time last year it wouldn't work in the early mornings as autumn arrived and we had them to service it and they took it away and then they came and put it back and then came and serviced it and then took it away again. It was very painful! Very! But eventually as the warmer months came along it sorted itself out. Now it starts again. So I told Gareth this that I can't handle it and want a new 1. I had a profit share last month that I wanted to buy a sleeper couch with, but now I have to put that on hold again and get the motor. So I get a quote from the people we always use and it was R7500 for a stupid motor, so I went the back route, got it from te people that sell them and then am getting a stand alone guy to come install it and I am saving R2500 ... woo hoo! Yay for me! Still stupidly expensive though.

On Saturday night we have organised a Easter egg hunt for all our friends.Should be fun ... Or so I hope! Plus shooters ... I have decided I want a shooter night. So hoping I manage and am alive Sunday as we are going to my folks to help them knock down the gate and put up the wall between them and my uncle! Can't believe R&A leave in 1 week and M&D leave in 5.5 ... time she does fly!

Blaag

2009-04-07T14:11:00.000+02:00

So here I am and can tell that AF is arriving and I was convinced I was pregnant! That is so so bad! Gee and here I thought I was special, conceiving so soon after my miscarriage. Why oh why have my bbs swollen to huge proportions these last 2 weeks then? Why have I been so moody? Why have I been feeling nauseous in the mornings? Probably because you are going mad .... mad ... mad! I hate the TTC game, it is oh so NOT fun! It can drive you bonkers, that is for sure and I am sure I am going that way! Totally bonkers!

How can life change so much

2009-04-07T13:25:00.002+02:00

Well this is my story.

Gareth and I have been married this year on 24 February for 2 years. He is the best husband I could ever dream of finding. I love him to bits and he is my best friend.

On the 16th of November 2008 AF didn't arrive so had a laugh and took a hpt, it showed 2 lines. Gareth had been out to Builders Warehouse and I thought oh my word. So was checking my watch every 5 seconds to see when he would turn up back home. I was scared, excited and nervous all in one. I had an IUF for 5 years, had taken it out and after a couple of months we decided, to stop using protection. I didn't expect it to happen until the new year as I had candida and was on meds for that.

Gareth arrived home and I broke the news, we were both quite unbelieving and I tried another hpt of a different brand at it too came back positive. Now I had absolutely no clue about pregnancy and what it entailed and what happened or anything. So Monday morning I went to my GP who said well if the hpt said you are then you are, lets get bloods done and go to the local hospital for a scan. Now that was when my nighmare began.

I had no clue that this wasn't normal if you were only 4 weeks pregnant, so off I tootled to a hospital I am going to keep un-named and was told to drink 10 glasses of water so they could see. So by the time I was popping they start witht he external ultra sound! The nurse then calls in another doc and they checking me out and making me very nervous. Dumb idiots, they tell me they think it is Ectopic I must go see my doc in a few days! So nothing like having the fear of God struck into you on the 2nd day of confirming you are pregnant. I get home and I started spotting, I was devestated, I didn't know this was normal implantation spotting. So when I phoned the doc to get my blood results, she tells me I am pregnant and I am about 5 weeks, so told her about spotting and she said that isn't normal go see your gynie ASAP! So I make an urgent appointment at my Gynie and he says he can't see anything, I must come back on the Wednesday. So here I am for 2 days stressing and panicking and driving myself mad with what could be wrong! How can doctors let you feel that bad about something that should be so good. I think that is what set the tone for my pregnancy from that day fourth.

Wednesday I shoot off to the doc and he scans again and says ah yes, there it is and all I can see is a little black splodge. They sent me for blood tests again and the count had doubled so all was well. I didn't want to hold back so we told our families about little Splodge.

At 6 weeks I went for my scan and he could see that Splodge had gotten bigger and I could even hear it's heart beat. I couldn't wait for my 12 week scan.

I was so so sick during my pregnancy, but when I say sick, I mean sick! I threw up at anything and everything, I couldn't eat unless it was biscuits and rusks, it wasn't very much fun at all. But I was excited and scared as the 1st days episode had stuck with me.

At 8 weeks I was stung by a bee and being highly allergic went flying off to hospital where they put me on heart monitors and gave me a shot of celestone. I was so worried about Splodge, but everyone told me to stop worrying and just be.

On Christmas day I ate properly for the 1st time since my 5.5 week mark, it was wonderful On Boxing day night I was so sick I was feverish and it was so bad, Gareth told me that I had a bug and that it wasn't morning sickness and I thought nothing more of it.

I started spotting again at 12 weeks and it felt wrong, I just had such a bad feeling. This was the Friday, but I knew I had an appointment for my 12 week on Monday so left it as I thought if anything is wrong, then there is nothng they can do!

Gareth came with me for my 12 week and my doc said he was sorry the size of the uterus was at 9.5 weeks and they would have to do a D&C. My gynie was absolutely amazing. I am really glad I have him as my doc.

All my hopes and dreams were washed out with that. Here I was meant to be nearing my 12 week happy mark and all I had was sadness. I felt a failure, but had been strong during so many other things in my life I thought I can do this ...

I am a believer in the famous saying "Every thing happens for a reason" and I deep down knew it had, but for the life of me couldn't work out why. Why me? What did I do wrong? Did little Splodge not want me as her (found out later it was a little girl) mom? Deep down I know this isn't so, but couldn't help the self blame!

3 months on I am still trying to work it out and as I like having reasons for things that happen. I feel that maybe this is a few of them:

I have to start doing stuff for me, loving me
I have to get my back and circulation right
I have to grow even stronger

Maybe, but maybe I will know more down the line from here than I do now.

I have had anxiety attacks and depression in the last month and both Gareth & I in the beginning thought oh wow we are so lucky to have conceived so easy, without even trying. Boy did that backfire!

So now here I am 3 months later and hoping in my heart of dreams that I get a BFP at the end if the week! Hoping for a miracle, hoping to have a child in 9 months, just hoping and wishing and praying for that miracle and for when that miracle comes again for it to stay and grow and come out into this world happy and healthy knowing that Gareth & I will love it to bits.

I have decided that once I find out I am pregnant this time, I am NOT going to see a doctor, I am not allowing people to make me stress. The only thing I will do is let my gynie know and go for blood tests to confirm all is ok with that! No scans until week 8. I just don't want that stress again. But saying that at least now I am aware and I know what a pregnancy entails and maye this time I will be more prepared!

And that is the reason I started this blog.