And now

So last week my bosses wife and daughter were up to learn my job and Friday I sent them off (literally at the airport) with all my important files and order books and all, so I guess after 9.5 years of doing the same job, it now changes? Yikes! But part of me is relieved, but part of me is thinking - driving around all the time in my last 4 months of pregnancy, but I know I can do it!

Friday night I crashed so early I was exhausted, but Saturday we went to the shops and then started washing down the walls and filling cracks in the walls and sanding down all the cupboards and such in the baby's room! I am just so excited, it is taking a lot longer to prepare than we planned, but isn't that always the case. We bought all the paint and are going natural neutral colours, beige and such, but then will make the curtains and such more colourful and baby like. So now we can't really work on it much until we get home after our week away, but it is all prepared and they will come put in a new carpet after we have painted too, so very excited that we are now starting on the baby journey! As in doing things for it and such.

I have asked my MIL to come baby shopping with me once we back and they back from their holiday. As she is so excited and is jumping to come with me. Will also go 1 day with my sister. Just to get ideas and decide what to actually buy. As we have kindly been given a pram, cot, car seat, camping cot, so it is the little things now. Plus the baby monitor and clothes and nappies. Oh and sheets for the cot.

I can't believe I am now getting there. 22.5 weeks!

Just trying to ignore the work situation now that my main job has been handed over and focus on my pregnancy and health!

Scared to be happy

I realised this morning while brushing my hair. I am scared to be happy?

At 16 weeks pregnant I was ecstatic, we saw little Baby and everything was good, the next day this whole thing with my boss lands on my head, then the next day the whole thing with my friend loosing her husband after giving birth to their child and I haven't been that happy since. I am too scared to feel that absolute happiness that makes you want to jump for joy, cause I think in my subconscious if I am happy then something bad will happen? Does this make sense? I don't know how to get out of this?

On Friday I spoke to my mom and just sobbed and sobbed on the phone to her, made my poor mom cry cause she is far away now! But this thing with my boss seems to have tainted my pregnancy and it is so sad, I am so angry @ him for doing this to me. These are meant to be the best times ever, being pregnant and enjoying my pregnancy and all I can do is stress and worry about work and what to do? The not knowing is also a killer. I HATE not knowing. It makes me so mad. I always want to know things .... that is why baby is probably not showing 100%, cause I have to learn to stand back and be patient! BUT HOW???? How do you teach yourself patience?

So I think I am scared to be happy ... otherwise things might go wrong? How do I stop these silly thoughts?

Another week gone by

I was so good at writing in my journal and on my blog and now I have totally lost it! Has my life become boring? I have no clue? I am finding it rather stressful at the moment though.

So I went for my 20 week scan. I am half way? Half way? I always hoped it would happen and I would have a healthy happy baby at the end of my 9 months, but after my MC, I celebrate every week that goes by and I am still pregnant. My gynae spent a good 20 min on baby and checked everything. How he knows what it all is must take years and years of practice. G & I could see a few thing he pointed out and recognised, but in general we were just watching. Baby is always sleeping when we go for our scans. But low and behold as soon as we leave and I sit back at my pc, it wakes up again.

Gynae think it is a girl about 80%, but boy is she shy, does not intent to show her bits off to us. So for now I will mention baby as a she, but it might change at the next scan, who knows. The gynae showed us all 4 chambers of the heart and brain measurements and all, was amazing. It is a true miracle. She already sits like mom. 1 leg out straight and the other curled under her. Her little heart was beating 153bpm, which was amazing.

I even went and bought her 1st little outfit yesterday, I haven't bought a thing and thought come on B you can do this, so did and a little rattle. So I am now officially thinking in 20 weeks we will have a LO in our lives, to love and to hold and to cherish.

G & I are having fun batting names back and fourth, G is set on 1, but we will see. I really like it, but I don't like to have names set in stone until she is born. What if she doesn't look like the name we choose once she is born?

Anyway I am so glad it is Friday. I am going for lunch with my best friend and her cousin today with their babies. Think I deserve to get out and about after the last month I have had!

TGIF

Can the weeks go by any more slowly than they are? Actually I lie they are going past fast, just hating work, doesn't help me get through my week. Actually I lie again. I enjoy my work, just not the situation with my boss. That is what gets to me the most! Shew I lied so much there and I normally try not to lie! But my negative side comes out too quickly at the moment with this situation. 3 weeks and he has not said 1 word to me? He only communicates via email? I mean really. But anyway, life plods on and what can I do? Patience .... patience ... patience is all I must focus on.

My cousin came over for dinner and said I look the happiest I have in ages, which surprised me, but then thinking about it I had bad Morning sickness and was exhausted and I think bored at the same time, so this has brought the energy and blood to my veins as I have an aim and focus. So bad things are good in a backwards kind of way?

I gave my poor hubby a hard time on Wednesday night, poor man, wasn't his fault at all, just me being a bit hormonal I guess. Felt very unloved, but going to see Cathy on Wednesday and seeing how sad she is broke my heart and wore me down. Poor girl. But Keagan is the most gorgeous little guy and gives his mom so many smiles.

Weekend where are you?

Yikes the last time I blogged was yonks ago. Too much was happening to put things on paper, as my mind was swirling!

I am tired of being walked over by my boss and have taken a stand. He gave me my car on paper and now is saying no. So I refused his new offer and now he told me he is going to make my life hell and it is going to cost me all the money I don't have and taking em to arbitration. I mean really. How silly can you get. This man thinks that the world revolves around him and no more. 9.5 years of it and no more. I know it is going to get nasty, but I had to take a stand and lookout for myself! about time I think, but damn it is scary, I hate confrontation and I am more of a wall flower type person, so this is a new me coming out and I am proud of myself, even though I keep wondering if I have done the right thing as I still have to work for this guy and ja. Oh well will take it 1 day at a time and hope for the best.

My heart still goes out to my dearest friend Cathy, life has thrown you a rough card here and I am always here for you when you need me!

On my pregnancy side. I am 18 weeks today. Wow! I can't believe it! I think I can feel baby move, but it might just be gas, but more on the lines of baby now ... It is such a miracle!

To the ladies I have met online and become friends with. Thank you, you guys are what makes me get through each day! I appreciate you more than you know!

16 Weeks

How can time go so slowly but so fast at the same time?

Went for our 16 week scan yesterday and I must say watching this little human grow every 4 weeks is just too amazing for words! Dr showed us its thigh bone and stomach and spine and it was amazing. It had it's little legs crossed, so now showing what it is, but wasn't expecting a definite at this scan. I was thinking a little boy originally, now thinking maybe a girl? Oh well whatever it is, I am so excited that things are plodding along nicely! Just hoping and praying they carry on plodding along well.

G was just so precious he was standing at the end of the bed watching the screen and every time you could see something new, he would rub my foot madly, was very funny! He isn't a man of many words or visual emotions, but watching him yesterday, I saw a new side of him! Was so sweet! Was impressed that the baby had bones already!

Response

Scene as Jahni tagged me I thought why not!

Three names I go by:
Bel
Blendax
Billy Bob (my neice)

Three jobs you may not know I have had in my life:

Sunglass packer (London)
Functions co-ordinator, catering
Legal secretary (Egypt)


Three places I have lived:

London
Egypt
Durban (and of course Jhb)


Three shows that I watch currently:

Scrubs
Hero's
??? something Vet in NZ on DSTV



Three Places I have been:


Turkey
Belgium
Greece


Three people who e-mail me regularly

My boss
Cathy
Sue

Three of my favorite foods


Sushi
My mom's home made roast chicken
Salad


Three bloggers I think will respond

Kandis
Lameez
???

Three things I'm looking forward to:

Birth of my healthy baby
Summer
Chatting to my on line friends during the day