Twiddling my thumbs waiting for G

I thought I was going to be so busy today that I wouldn't have time to write in my "journal" but time is now slowly passing and G is only leaving work at 11, so have time to kill.

Went for my BT session today and Dr EB asked so what are we working on today and I said whatever comes up, so he laughed. Came up that I am too critical on myself ... duh), he says I think something is wrong that I am doing, then I get critical on myself that I picked it up??? He is running a program on me over the next 9 days to help! He said it comes from a past life and I can't let go, no matter what I do I am critical on me ... which is 100% right. Funny I know all this stuff about BT, but still get pleasantly surprised in sessions that he can pick up so much. He said it should help me to have a lovely holiday, which I hope it does! I told him about the yukky herbal tonic the homeo gave me and he said he was just about to suggest it (DrEB is a herbalist too) anyway, he is so funny. I can't believe it is so difficult to get an appointment now with him, when I 1st knew him he wasn't into BT and hardly had any clients. Amazing how things change... his girlfriend is pregnant, due in June. She looks lovely! Still not that easy to see pregnant people, but I can do I know I can! He still wont marry her, funny guy, but he would never leave her, so guess that is a good thing as he loves her lots!

I left there popped into Spar to drop off invoices and such and went past the cooked stuff and this plate of Russian & chips just kept calling out to me, so I felt bad for it and bought it and now ate it and it is only 10:15! Yikes ... how unhealthy am I. The little old lady in the queue next to me laughed and said if you feel like it go for it ... so I did! Now I have to drink 6 glasses of water to get rid of the grease! Yuk! & then go sit in a car for 5 hours ... oh dear. Clever Belinda! Very very clever!

Last post for awhile

Thanks for the comments on our babies. Animals are so amazing!

I can't believe how I am enjoying letting stuff out here. Quite funky!

G & I go away tomorrow, can't wait. Except for the drive. G is going diving in the sea which he is ecstatic about, yay for G and I get to curl up and hopefully tan on the beach with a book or 10! Woo hoo.

Today I went and got my hair cut and then decided to see the homeo to try get my shoulders away from my ears (earring shoulders) and decided if she could see me today then I was meant to go as I have never been to her before. Low and behold she had a space at 10, so off I tootle and I really liked her as she is like 2 min away from my house. Which is bliss.

Went through the whole medical history and the reason I was there and she did all sorts of test and such and turns out I was pregnant last month, but it didn't stick! Again! Oh well, at least I know I can fall pregnant, now I just have to figure out how to make it stick and grow and be and and and! She gave me injections up and down my shoulders & neck (ouch) and then something into the ovary area? Then this tonic to take and it is vile, when I mean vile, I mean vile! It is only for 2 weeks, hope I can stick it for then ... but I will cause I just will!

So somehow work has to fall into this day too and ja, not doing too well there, but at least I am off from tomorrow!

My babies

I can't upload this on the forum cause I am blond, but here are my 3 little babies, The green one is Oilve, She is an abandoned abused little birdy I got after the vets assistant killed my little Milo by mistake, she loves beig held in a towel and chats away to anyone and love to bite, but it is more a game for her than anything else. She is about 7 now.

The mainly white little kitty is Maija, she is just too gorgeous, not cuddly, but oh so friendly and spends her time trying to get the loo roll off the holder and then pulling all the paper off. She is a very vocal cat. The grey strippy one is Zoe, now she is a cuddler of note, especially G at night in front of the tv and she has a lion sized purr. Lovely, what could be more peaceful! They are 10.5 months old.

They are like children to us. We spoil them rotten ...

Tuesday/Friday?

I agree with Eve, I should go get a punching bag, will do me the world of good. Then I can lend it out to all my friends and family that feel in need of a release too ... would be amazing to see how many people would actually want to use it! Haha. I am sure a few!!

So far today I am feeling better than yesterday, which is absolutely grand. Plus tomorrow being a holiday is a big big bonus. We are going to vote, but because we can just walk 80m down the road to vote, we are going to try go early like 7:30 to get it out the way and enjoy our day off. Woo hoo! Then 1 more day of work, well that is what I have told my boss, but will be in for a little bit on Friday and holiday here we come.

Went to gym last night and managed to do what I had to, but geez it was busy, at 8pm. Plus it is al the smelly boys with their mucho images, they do make me laugh though. Then sat down to read and watch G & his brother play squash for the last 10min. Little Zoe & Maija were so cuddly last night with me and weren't happy with Dad for taking them to bed when he went to sleep. If only they didn't take up my half of the bed when sleeping, otherwise they could sleep the night with us! Funny kitties.

I still can't get into the whole work thing, this year has been bad bad bad with that! I just can't focus. I have to try when we get back from the coast. I think Mr boss man might get annoyed with me if I don't. Not that he has done much focusing in the past few years until now, but guess he is the boss! But let me go and actually try .... try get Zoe off my lap 1st to go!

Punching bag

Another post today ....

Once in the past I felt I wanted to go out and buy a punching bag, not those huge big heavy ones, but the little onces that bounce fast .... well I want one again, I think that is a good sign .... I think ... I think ... just to release all the nonsense!

Hahaha here I am typing about punching bags and my little parrot Olive is sitting in the office with me for some "Olive time" and she promptly climbed down off her travel cage onto my desk, grabbed my pink clutch pencil from next to me and climbed all the way back up with it, held it in her claws and started coo coo cooing to it. Just made me laugh. Thanks Olive!

.......

Why am I suddenly feeling all anxious and stressed again? I was feeling great by the end of last week! How can that peaceful feeling dissapear so quickly?

We had a good weekend, had a few good laughs and some veg time. Was great. Went to G's cousin's litle ones 1st birthday and I sadly enough found it harder than I thought I would. There was this lovely pregnant lady there and she looked so lovely and glowingly (is that a real word?) pregnant (other than uncomfortable) and I just thought, no fair, that should be me. Bah, hate this!

I at last made a consious effort and I sorted out the end room as it had just become a dumping ground for everything. I think I used to go into there to just dump stuff and not put it away as all the baby stuff we got from a friend who was immagrating is in there and it is a reminder everytime I go in there on what we have lost! I know within my heart of hearts that we will have a happy bouncing baby in the near future, but I can't help but let that little niggling feeling of doubt kreep into my brain, I try to shoo it out, but it isn't easy. Then yesterdayI sorted out "my room" hung up allt he inherited paintings we got and tidied up all the "dress up clothing" - haha reading that sounds kinky. Put away all the bills and stuff, so I feel cleansed in a different way now too. The clutter has gone! G made an awesome meal last night, it is so nice that he has taken to cooking and he is so good at it, he wants to try all these new recipie's and I am boring and do the same old same old. But I get a break from cookign once a weeka nd it is sooooo nice. I am spoilt!

We go away on Friday. I hope I can relax this holiday, these anxious horrible feelings must fly far far far away and NOT come back! My angel cards keep telling me to go to the ocean ... so that is what we are doing ... well that was planned before I kept getting them,, but still! A swim in the ocean will be awesome! The last part of my cleansing process!

Tears

I have realised that tears aren't a bad thing. They aren't good when used for sympathy or to get something, but they are brilliant to release emotions and frustrations ... yes I know, finding this out at the age of 33, but hey? What can I do .... I am learning! I used to be the cry baby when I was a teenager and then I went exact opposite after my divorce, wouldn't cry for anything for years and years and years! But now since my mc or actually in the last few weeks, I have realised it isn't a bad thing to show weakness when you sad or upset. Just like laughing when you happy, it is all a good thing if used correctly. That is my words of wisdom for myself today!

Poor G, I think the tears freak him out, but he is so good to me when they do come. I am very blessed to have the the hubby I have, he is awesome!

Only 1 hour left then I can happily log off from work and know my boss can't harrass me!!! Yippee!

On the mend

I went to the psychologist today and I am officially on the mend. Woo hoo! He said that my break down over AF arriving last week was a good thing and by breaking down and crying my little heart out meant I was on the mend! Yay, he alsosaid it is a good thing I am sorting out my hormones and said that by taking the natural root I am giving myself time. He said he thinks our time is up and good luck for the future and many happy things to come. So I can hope and pray that in the next 6 months I will be pregnant again and all will go well.

My bbs are still feeling rather large, but I can feel my love handles are slowly becoming a bit smaller ... yay Belinda go go go. You cn do it.

Soup

Mmm just had soup for lunch. was actually yummy, hope it lasts and keeps me going for my run this afternoon. Doubt it though, even though I had a piece of seeded loaf with cheese.

I hope the agnus castus helps the weight as that is from hormones, I just know it. I spoke to tracy today, my dearest sis who I always go to for advice, she said I must keep on it for this full month and then 2 weeks of next month, which makes sense, so will do that. got to get my self back to normal ... gotta gotta!

Work was actually busy today for the morning, which was nice for a change, but saying that I should stop searching the net and clean up my desk and file stuff ... my dreaded job.

At least tomorrow is Thursday, so nearly weekend, yay!

How am I feeling today? Well in the just of things ok, read up that stuffed up hormones can give you anxiety attacks and make you depressed. So that makes me feel normal, which is great. So am on the mend. I was with G in the morning to try get his wet suit fixed and he sent me on a wild goose chase, I don't know how seen as I was driving and he was navigating and got everything wrong!!! And I am pleased to say I didn't blow up at him or snap, I made a joke and we laughed, which tells me I am on the mend ... woo hoo!

Work after a Long weekend

This long weekend did me the world of good, I feel a bit more relaxed and I feel different? Can't say how, but I do.
I treated Gareth & myself on Saturday and he went for a back, neck & shoulder massage & I went for reflexology and low and behold my thyroid is playing up, hence the mood and all that. I had boiled it down to hormones, but at least they confirmed it. Plus she said I need to detox, which I am doing and I can't say I feel any different, but have only been on it for 2 days so far. I am drinking more water and my stomach isn't working as well (tmi, I know) but that is it!

I have started back on my Agnus Castus for the hormones and can feel a big difference there already! BUT the woman at the health shop sad it will help me through pregnancy, but the articles on google say it won't, so I am confused! I will make an appt to go see a homeopath once we back from our holiday and decide from there.

It all in all was a lovely weekend, we lazed and we were busy and we did all sorts. I organised a Easter Egg hunt for our friends around our garden and it was dark so had to use torches, which was good fun. Funny how going back to the basis with things like that bring out the child in us. It is lovely.

Yay 4 day weekend

I have been looking forward to this weekend for months, no clue why, probably just because I don't have to work for 4 days. I really hate my job at the moment. But I work from home, so ja!

Yesterday when AF arrived, I just cried and criend and cried. Poor Gareth, he is not used to me being this emotional at all. All new for him! Actually all new for me too.

I was so convinced I was pregnant and then finding out I am not pregnant is heart breaking! Oh and then of all things my mom phones in the middle of 1 of my sobbing sessions with Gareth and starts telling em all her issues and didn't even pick up that I was sad. Then later I phoned her to ask her about a recipie and told her that AF arrived and I am not pregnant and what did she say ... "Oh well" yup that was it, just "Oh well" .... I was devestated, I cried and cried and cried after that too.

But I think I have to stop focusing on this, well try cause it is so much easier said than done and carry on with my life as I have so much else to live for, not just a baby as I am 100% positive that will come in it's own time and it will come.

My 2 little cats are to die for, they are so funny and then Olive, my little ring neck! I am blessed with my pets. gareth is the best husband and so sweet.

So let me focus on something else.

Our gate motor is on the blink again! Can you believe it. This time last year it wouldn't work in the early mornings as autumn arrived and we had them to service it and they took it away and then they came and put it back and then came and serviced it and then took it away again. It was very painful! Very! But eventually as the warmer months came along it sorted itself out. Now it starts again. So I told Gareth this that I can't handle it and want a new 1. I had a profit share last month that I wanted to buy a sleeper couch with, but now I have to put that on hold again and get the motor. So I get a quote from the people we always use and it was R7500 for a stupid motor, so I went the back route, got it from te people that sell them and then am getting a stand alone guy to come install it and I am saving R2500 ... woo hoo! Yay for me! Still stupidly expensive though.

On Saturday night we have organised a Easter egg hunt for all our friends.Should be fun ... Or so I hope! Plus shooters ... I have decided I want a shooter night. So hoping I manage and am alive Sunday as we are going to my folks to help them knock down the gate and put up the wall between them and my uncle! Can't believe R&A leave in 1 week and M&D leave in 5.5 ... time she does fly!

Blaag

So here I am and can tell that AF is arriving and I was convinced I was pregnant! That is so so bad! Gee and here I thought I was special, conceiving so soon after my miscarriage. Why oh why have my bbs swollen to huge proportions these last 2 weeks then? Why have I been so moody? Why have I been feeling nauseous in the mornings? Probably because you are going mad .... mad ... mad! I hate the TTC game, it is oh so NOT fun! It can drive you bonkers, that is for sure and I am sure I am going that way! Totally bonkers!

How can life change so much

Well this is my story.

Gareth and I have been married this year on 24 February for 2 years. He is the best husband I could ever dream of finding. I love him to bits and he is my best friend.

On the 16th of November 2008 AF didn't arrive so had a laugh and took a hpt, it showed 2 lines. Gareth had been out to Builders Warehouse and I thought oh my word. So was checking my watch every 5 seconds to see when he would turn up back home. I was scared, excited and nervous all in one. I had an IUF for 5 years, had taken it out and after a couple of months we decided, to stop using protection. I didn't expect it to happen until the new year as I had candida and was on meds for that.

Gareth arrived home and I broke the news, we were both quite unbelieving and I tried another hpt of a different brand at it too came back positive. Now I had absolutely no clue about pregnancy and what it entailed and what happened or anything. So Monday morning I went to my GP who said well if the hpt said you are then you are, lets get bloods done and go to the local hospital for a scan. Now that was when my nighmare began.

I had no clue that this wasn't normal if you were only 4 weeks pregnant, so off I tootled to a hospital I am going to keep un-named and was told to drink 10 glasses of water so they could see. So by the time I was popping they start witht he external ultra sound! The nurse then calls in another doc and they checking me out and making me very nervous. Dumb idiots, they tell me they think it is Ectopic I must go see my doc in a few days! So nothing like having the fear of God struck into you on the 2nd day of confirming you are pregnant. I get home and I started spotting, I was devestated, I didn't know this was normal implantation spotting. So when I phoned the doc to get my blood results, she tells me I am pregnant and I am about 5 weeks, so told her about spotting and she said that isn't normal go see your gynie ASAP! So I make an urgent appointment at my Gynie and he says he can't see anything, I must come back on the Wednesday. So here I am for 2 days stressing and panicking and driving myself mad with what could be wrong! How can doctors let you feel that bad about something that should be so good. I think that is what set the tone for my pregnancy from that day fourth.

Wednesday I shoot off to the doc and he scans again and says ah yes, there it is and all I can see is a little black splodge. They sent me for blood tests again and the count had doubled so all was well. I didn't want to hold back so we told our families about little Splodge.

At 6 weeks I went for my scan and he could see that Splodge had gotten bigger and I could even hear it's heart beat. I couldn't wait for my 12 week scan.

I was so so sick during my pregnancy, but when I say sick, I mean sick! I threw up at anything and everything, I couldn't eat unless it was biscuits and rusks, it wasn't very much fun at all. But I was excited and scared as the 1st days episode had stuck with me.

At 8 weeks I was stung by a bee and being highly allergic went flying off to hospital where they put me on heart monitors and gave me a shot of celestone. I was so worried about Splodge, but everyone told me to stop worrying and just be.

On Christmas day I ate properly for the 1st time since my 5.5 week mark, it was wonderful On Boxing day night I was so sick I was feverish and it was so bad, Gareth told me that I had a bug and that it wasn't morning sickness and I thought nothing more of it.

I started spotting again at 12 weeks and it felt wrong, I just had such a bad feeling. This was the Friday, but I knew I had an appointment for my 12 week on Monday so left it as I thought if anything is wrong, then there is nothng they can do!

Gareth came with me for my 12 week and my doc said he was sorry the size of the uterus was at 9.5 weeks and they would have to do a D&C. My gynie was absolutely amazing. I am really glad I have him as my doc.

All my hopes and dreams were washed out with that. Here I was meant to be nearing my 12 week happy mark and all I had was sadness. I felt a failure, but had been strong during so many other things in my life I thought I can do this ...

I am a believer in the famous saying "Every thing happens for a reason" and I deep down knew it had, but for the life of me couldn't work out why. Why me? What did I do wrong? Did little Splodge not want me as her (found out later it was a little girl) mom? Deep down I know this isn't so, but couldn't help the self blame!

3 months on I am still trying to work it out and as I like having reasons for things that happen. I feel that maybe this is a few of them:

• I have to start doing stuff for me, loving me
• I have to get my back and circulation right
• I have to grow even stronger

Maybe, but maybe I will know more down the line from here than I do now.

I have had anxiety attacks and depression in the last month and both Gareth & I in the beginning thought oh wow we are so lucky to have conceived so easy, without even trying. Boy did that backfire!

So now here I am 3 months later and hoping in my heart of dreams that I get a BFP at the end if the week! Hoping for a miracle, hoping to have a child in 9 months, just hoping and wishing and praying for that miracle and for when that miracle comes again for it to stay and grow and come out into this world happy and healthy knowing that Gareth & I will love it to bits.

I have decided that once I find out I am pregnant this time, I am NOT going to see a doctor, I am not allowing people to make me stress. The only thing I will do is let my gynie know and go for blood tests to confirm all is ok with that! No scans until week 8. I just don't want that stress again. But saying that at least now I am aware and I know what a pregnancy entails and maye this time I will be more prepared!

And that is the reason I started this blog.