Well this is my story.
Gareth and I have been married this year on 24 February for 2 years. He is the best husband I could ever dream of finding. I love him to bits and he is my best friend.
On the 16th of November 2008 AF didn't arrive so had a laugh and took a hpt, it showed 2 lines. Gareth had been out to Builders Warehouse and I thought oh my word. So was checking my watch every 5 seconds to see when he would turn up back home. I was scared, excited and nervous all in one. I had an IUF for 5 years, had taken it out and after a couple of months we decided, to stop using protection. I didn't expect it to happen until the new year as I had candida and was on meds for that.
Gareth arrived home and I broke the news, we were both quite unbelieving and I tried another hpt of a different brand at it too came back positive. Now I had absolutely no clue about pregnancy and what it entailed and what happened or anything. So Monday morning I went to my GP who said well if the hpt said you are then you are, lets get bloods done and go to the local hospital for a scan. Now that was when my nighmare began.
I had no clue that this wasn't normal if you were only 4 weeks pregnant, so off I tootled to a hospital I am going to keep un-named and was told to drink 10 glasses of water so they could see. So by the time I was popping they start witht he external ultra sound! The nurse then calls in another doc and they checking me out and making me very nervous. Dumb idiots, they tell me they think it is Ectopic I must go see my doc in a few days! So nothing like having the fear of God struck into you on the 2nd day of confirming you are pregnant. I get home and I started spotting, I was devestated, I didn't know this was normal implantation spotting. So when I phoned the doc to get my blood results, she tells me I am pregnant and I am about 5 weeks, so told her about spotting and she said that isn't normal go see your gynie ASAP! So I make an urgent appointment at my Gynie and he says he can't see anything, I must come back on the Wednesday. So here I am for 2 days stressing and panicking and driving myself mad with what could be wrong! How can doctors let you feel that bad about something that should be so good. I think that is what set the tone for my pregnancy from that day fourth.
Wednesday I shoot off to the doc and he scans again and says ah yes, there it is and all I can see is a little black splodge. They sent me for blood tests again and the count had doubled so all was well. I didn't want to hold back so we told our families about little Splodge.
At 6 weeks I went for my scan and he could see that Splodge had gotten bigger and I could even hear it's heart beat. I couldn't wait for my 12 week scan.
I was so so sick during my pregnancy, but when I say sick, I mean sick! I threw up at anything and everything, I couldn't eat unless it was biscuits and rusks, it wasn't very much fun at all. But I was excited and scared as the 1st days episode had stuck with me.
At 8 weeks I was stung by a bee and being highly allergic went flying off to hospital where they put me on heart monitors and gave me a shot of celestone. I was so worried about Splodge, but everyone told me to stop worrying and just be.
On Christmas day I ate properly for the 1st time since my 5.5 week mark, it was wonderful On Boxing day night I was so sick I was feverish and it was so bad, Gareth told me that I had a bug and that it wasn't morning sickness and I thought nothing more of it.
I started spotting again at 12 weeks and it felt wrong, I just had such a bad feeling. This was the Friday, but I knew I had an appointment for my 12 week on Monday so left it as I thought if anything is wrong, then there is nothng they can do!
Gareth came with me for my 12 week and my doc said he was sorry the size of the uterus was at 9.5 weeks and they would have to do a D&C. My gynie was absolutely amazing. I am really glad I have him as my doc.
All my hopes and dreams were washed out with that. Here I was meant to be nearing my 12 week happy mark and all I had was sadness. I felt a failure, but had been strong during so many other things in my life I thought I can do this ...
I am a believer in the famous saying "Every thing happens for a reason" and I deep down knew it had, but for the life of me couldn't work out why. Why me? What did I do wrong? Did little Splodge not want me as her (found out later it was a little girl) mom? Deep down I know this isn't so, but couldn't help the self blame!
3 months on I am still trying to work it out and as I like having reasons for things that happen. I feel that maybe this is a few of them:
- I have to start doing stuff for me, loving me
- I have to get my back and circulation right
- I have to grow even stronger
Maybe, but maybe I will know more down the line from here than I do now.
I have had anxiety attacks and depression in the last month and both Gareth & I in the beginning thought oh wow we are so lucky to have conceived so easy, without even trying. Boy did that backfire!
So now here I am 3 months later and hoping in my heart of dreams that I get a BFP at the end if the week! Hoping for a miracle, hoping to have a child in 9 months, just hoping and wishing and praying for that miracle and for when that miracle comes again for it to stay and grow and come out into this world happy and healthy knowing that Gareth & I will love it to bits.
I have decided that once I find out I am pregnant this time, I am NOT going to see a doctor, I am not allowing people to make me stress. The only thing I will do is let my gynie know and go for blood tests to confirm all is ok with that! No scans until week 8. I just don't want that stress again. But saying that at least now I am aware and I know what a pregnancy entails and maye this time I will be more prepared!
And that is the reason I started this blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment