Wow

It is amazing that 3 of us on our forum are pregnant around the same time. Now I want more? Am I greedy. I want another at least 3 if not more in the next couple of weeks/month! I am greedy, I want to see my cyber friends happy and pregnant too. Please please please God, Please let these lovely ladies fall pregnant soon soon so we can all have babies around the same time.

Now a nother part to my story ...

My best friend of what 21 years (yikes that makes feel old) and I happened to fall pregnant 2 weeks apart last time. She had no clue she was and I knew from 4 weeks 1 day? So when she said she wasn't feeling right and AF hadn't arrived, I told her to go get a test, which she eventually did about 4 days later and then only tested 3 days after that (see me, I would have and was testing from day 1) and then didn't believe that the 2 stripes actually meant she was. She was in denial. Don't blame her for many reasons (not my place to go into), but she was so unhappy about being pregnant and I was so happy about being pregnant, but we could walk the road together and it was such a nice feeling to hold someones hand and visa versa along the week by week pregnancy walk!

Then when I got to my 12 week mark, I lost my little 1 and I thought life was so unfair, how could someone who didn't want a kid keep theirs and me who wanted a kid so bad, loose mine? Why was God so unfair,? Such a mean ungodly thought? I didn't think like that for all that long, as I saw changes in her. I have seen her grow and seen her bond and see her care and my heart goes out to her. She is such a strong person, with many challenges in her life and she keeps plodding on. I believe things happen for a reason and God gave her this little 1 for many reasons and I can look back and see that now! More clearly than I could before. She needs this LO in her life to help her along her path. She is due in 8.5 weeks and I so wish I was closer to her to be with her. I hate it that she lives so far away.

She said to me today, notice how we talk "shop" again ... I felt so guilty, I knew but didn't realise how I spoke baby with her, but only half heartily. I am sorry my friend. Please forgive me. Forgive me for being selfish, I didn't mean to be.

All sorts

Olive is hysterical. My little bird is going through I assume nesting season and I bring her out to the grass outside my office and let her play in the grass. The mad little nutter has dug a hole so big that I can just see her little bum and tail sticking out as she digs. They must nest underground?

I am not enjoying this weather! I love summer, summer is my friend! It is so nice out there in the sun, I wish I could take my pc out and work out there, my office is in a garden flat at the bottom of our garden and the sun doesn't come anywhere near it in winter. I just freeze 100%. Plus I have bad circulation and my feet get it the worst, so I have a bar heater on, but I feel it is too early for a bar heater!

I am 5 weeks today and it is scary. I feel calm, but scared at the same time if that makes sense. I am not sick yet, last time I had the worst morning sickness ever and I am usually a pukey person, any smell any gross looking thing ... yup I gag and then hurl. So I am confused with this one. Maybe it will come later, or maybe I am lucky and it won't come at all. Plus I have no problem with eating, I eat constantly, last time I could not eat other than rusks and dead dead meat? Should I take this as a good sign? But I feel ok and feel all will be ok this time around.

I went to get progesterone suppositories today and ended up taking to the pharmacist and she said she was on them for all of her pregnancies. She said she her 1st pregnancy she gave birth at 28 weeks and her little baby girl died 6 days later. She said she she thought the world had ended and she found God again and he wouldn't give us anything that wasn't meant to be. Which I agree with, but hard to swallow sometimes. She said she now has 3 kids and wonders why she worried so much before. Just always nice talking to people who know! Who have been through things ... people that haven't just don't understand at all. They think they do, but they don't ... only a few people do and those people are special! Then the ladies who have and are supportive are just the best ... who could be more special than people who have been through the same or worse! I have met a lot of you ladies recently and you mean the world to me already! Thanks!

Weird

How is this for weird!

I had my D&C for my angle 13 January 2009

Little baby S is due 13 January 2010

My grandfather's b-day was 13 January

I know babies don't come on their due dates, but I am taking this as a good sign!

It was G's birthday on Saturday and I was very romantic, I bought him a chain saw .... but that is what he wanted, funny man. Friday night we went out with friends and Saturday night I took him to the Fat Olive, I love that restaurant! Then yesterday we had a combined birthday for him with mother's day at our place for tea, it was going to be 8 people and turned in 15, was crazy, didn't know I had enough coffee mugs until yesterday! At least it wasn't too cold inside and we could sit on the patio, don't know if everyone would have fitted in our lounge! Was a good afternoon, just so many people at once is overwhelming. I am not good with lots of people ... wish I was, but can admit I am not.

It is so cold in my office, I must go sit in the sun and warm up now!

Was hoping, but not expecting

Every month it is an are we, aren't we thing and it drives us all bonkers right! Wel this month I thought there is absolutely no chance at all that we are pregnant! We were BD for fun not for conceiving this month and on Sunday I woke up in agony, my uterus felt like it was being beaten up by a baseball player! Ow ow ow! It eased, but didn't go away the whole day. Monday woke up and it was gone, so thought implantation or AF arriving! But was betting on AF!

Tuesday I go belly dancing and feel all of AF in her glory on her way.

Wednesday AF was meant to arrive but decided to take a Clear Blue HPT and it said positive! hee hee! So I thought hold on a minute, so tried a Clicks 1 and it took longer, but also came back positive, so I went to my homeo to take blood and today I get back the results today and my count is 444.5 and she says I am 5 - 6 weeks, but I know I am only 4, but it was such a surprise cause I wasn't expecting it this month! Thank you God!

I am sure it was the agnus castus sorting out my hormones.

Today I feel that pressure! I can't explain it, but it is a different pressure, I felt it last time and only feeling it this time do I remember that feeling! Then thinking back on holiday every night G & I would watch TV and I would be fast asleep on his chest by 8pm, which is not like me, I normally hold off till 9:30pm haha.

Now going to get my progesterone tested tomorrow and see how it goes! Pin cushion time again!

It is 6 months since I fell pregnant with Splodge. The due date of this little 1, all going well is 13 January 2010. Yikes!

Mom & Dad

I must be honest and say my Mom & Dad have been the best support group around. My Mom always worries that maybe she didn't do something right bringing us up, but I think they did a good job. As being a parent is what most of us dream to do, but actually doing it isn't as easy as we would like to believe (I think).

I was a mistake, my folks had their 2 girls and were happy, then 1 day they had a bit of a chance when both my sisters were taking a nap and they did something that none of us like to think our parents do. My mom didn't use her diaphragm as they were caught in the moment and figured that it was the totally wrong time of the month to fall pregnant, so thought, what the hell. But little did they know that I was waiting in the wings for that slight little opportunity to join my family.

Poor Mom when she realised she was pregnant again, by mistake she was so unhappy, she really didn't want a 3rd child. Finances were already quite tight and having a 3rd 1 would make them more so. But soon into the pregnancy she changed her mind as it was an easier pregnancy. Everything about her pregnancy was different so they decided I was their boy! Shame little did they know. They hadn't even chosen a girls name, as that is how convinced they were that I was a boy. I am so glad I wasn't a boy as my name would have been Crispan? I arrived 10 Feb 1976 at 23h30 (30min before their anniversary) and 7 days early. My mom said as I came out I looked up and my eyes were watching the doctor and Dad the whole time. She said I was their ray of sunshine, I was always a happy baby and so easy. When I started to crawl they called me Sweet pea as I used to crawl out of the baby grow (don't' all babies).

My 1 sister always used to tell me I was adopted and I think part of me hoped I was, that I wasn't part of this mad family, but as the years past and we all grew up, there was no mistaking we are all part of the same family.

My parents have always been there for me, in their own way, possibly not always the way I wanted them to be, but I always tried to be open and host with them, but might have told a few lies!!! They I think thought I was nuts when I went overseas and sent back pictures of me smoking a joint in Amsterdam and a photo of me with a new belly ring in undies, a bobbies hat & F** me boots! Poor folks! They supported me through an abusive boyfriend, stupid boyfriends, my crazy goth years, my wedding, my divorce, my next wedding (even though they were nervous), my pregnancy & my miscarriage!

I know I moan about my Mom a bit, but to her I have always been the strong child, that she can come cry on my shoulder and phone me needing cheering up and I accepted that role and when the time came for me to break down and cry I don't think she quite knew how to handle it all. I wasn't the daughter she was used to. So I can't blame her, I think I should look at myself more and think You let everyone believe you were strong all the time, why do you expect them to understand when you are weak?

My Dad, well my Dad has never been a man of many words, he was always the clown ... turning his cap backwards on the beach and pretending he was a gorilla to embarrass us all! Him catching 2 baby fish when I was 5 and telling me to tell everyone else, that I had caught them. Him not being the disciplinarian in the house, but if Dad shouted or spoke sternly, then you know you had done something wrong, cause Dad was always nice. But he was always there to help, like putting up lights when I was suddenly living alone or buying me something when he knew I had no money.

I think I have the best parents ever and am very very lucky. Even though now I sometimes feel I am more the parent than them and it isn't a good feeling to feel like that and to see them age and worry about things you know they would never have worried about 5 - 10 years ago.

I can't expect them to be as excited about things as I am, or sad about things as I am. But I know no matter what, they love us all and would do anything for us.

I have 13 days left with them in the same province as me before they are off to their new life and it is going to be so strange not having them just a few km away. Dad will be coming back and staying with us for a few weeks until he can finish off his retirement, which will be odd. But this is the end of an era in life and it is going to be strange getting used to it!

I love my folks!

Frustrations

Yet again I am moaning about work! How can I be so bored. I can make work for myself and keep myself busy, but I don't really want to. It is so bad! I mean I am being paid to work, so I should work, but I would rather spend my time doing anything but work and I am only just starting my 2nd day after a lovely holiday, where oh where is the enthusiasm? My boss drives me mad. He is 1 of the most frustrating people I know, he gives with 1 hand and takes with the other. He expects everyone to pay him on time and jump for him and when he says jump everyone must bow down and say how high your majesty! BUT when it is him paying other people he craps them out for asking and not just understanding where he is coming from. Man it pee's me off and I have been working for him for 9 years and I am bored, but I work from home, I have flexible hours and freedom in general. So why would I leave? What would I do other than this? I have no degree and no actual vision of what I would really like to do. Other than be pregnant and at the end of it be a mom to a healthy happy baby! Maybe that is where my focus is at the moment, hence the frustrations with work.

I still have to work around patience. Patience or lack thereof is my downfall every time. When I decide I want something, I then want it now, I don't want to wait or anything, I just want it NOW! How do I teach myself patience? Patience ..... patience ... where are you my friend? Come play, please come play with me! I promise to listen and be good!

Holiday, Signs

Wow, wow & wow again!

This holiday was absolutely wonderful, our Feb one, I was just too stressed out and freaked out and emotionally raw.

We stopped 1 night in Howick and saw where my parents are retiring to in 2 weeks (yikes), what a lovely village. I think it will suit them down to the ground. It is so peaceful and tranquil and beautiful. Yay for M&D! Hope all goes well!

Then off to Umkomaas for a night! Not my favourite spot, but the B&B was good. G did his diving, shame the 1st dive he got so seasick on the boat so didn't enjoy it too much, but managed to see a whale shark - lucky bum! We went to this absolutely divine restaurant in Scottborough, called Dodo's, absolutely wow! The food was so yummy and not expensive. Really great. G did another dive in the morning, plus I had given him my motion sickness tablets, so he enjoyed that dive way more. Sounds awesome down there other than the sharks, but still don't think I could force myself to start diving ... does that make me boring? Oh well tough. I managed to read loads, to the point that I thought shew I need to do something else.

Got to Sanlameer and thought wow, why was the last time we came here 4 years ago. That place just has this feeling of peace and nature, even though there are hundreds of units, they are painted to blend into the natural vegetation around. The day we arrived it was raining, but stopped just long enough to get all our luggage into the unit and then started again!

All we did most of the holiday was laze on the beach, walk on the beach, swim, then walk around San Lameer and then went for 1 hike at a nature reserve on the rainy day. Oh and to the waffle house. Met a friend and her husband & kids there and then bumped into Eileen, which was cool, pity we had made plans with my friends, would have been nice to sit with her and her hubby!

We were so so lucky with the weather, only 2 rainy days, which isn't bad at all. On the Wed G went back up to Umkomaas to dive and I went for a walk along the beach and sat on the rocks staring out at the sea and contemplating life. As I was walking along the beach I was thinking what sign can I ask for, for things to go well and I couldn't think of anything other than the obvious??? The next day G & I went walking along the beach and I suddenly though a cowry, that is the sign I want cause I haven't found a cowry on the beach in many many years even though we always used to find them as kids at Shelley beach. But I didn't have much hope as the shells on that beach are few and far between. But low and behold I looked down at this lonesome ownsome shell on 1 section and what was it??? Yup a cowry! How awesome is that! So told G and he laughed, then he found a half 1 and then later I found another 1. How special is that???? I couldn't stop smiling! I smiled all day. Not sure what it means, but it is a sign for good things to come with the TTC journey I am sure. We never saw any more and G & I are always searching for shells, we never can just walk on a beach, ever! I feel truly blessed!

Swimming in the sea is so cleansing and other than being dumped by the waves, felt really good. G & I decided that sand is sexist, no matter if I was in the sea for 2 min or 15 min, I always came out with a bikini top full full of sand? But G who spends like 30 odd min in the sea at a time, hardly hand any in his costume... Well I suppose it doesn't hug him tight, but neither really does my bikini, useless piece of material!

I slowly am getting used to that herbal concoction the homeo gave me, still vile and smells like smelly socks, but anyway. I managed to read 4.5 books and spends lots of QT with G. 1 thing I found strange was that 95% of the people at Marina beach and San Lameer were young families with young kids. Was it to slap me in the face or to give me hope? I think I will go with the hope! There were preggy ladies and all sized kids, and twin babies and young kids learning to ride their bikes, no matter where I looked I saw young kids. & to tell you the truth I was ok with it. Still wish for it for me, but seeing these happy little families gave me so much more hope!

Our last day there was the best weather, calm sea and just truly amazing! Was just bliss. The drive home on Saturday wasn't bad, 704km ... isn't long but is.

This is funny -

The symbolism of the Cowry shell is associated with the appearance of its underside: the lengthwise opening makes the shell look like a vulva ... hahaha, how apt is that? Oh well!

Oh and this .... The shells represent the eyes of the Gods and the womb of the Goddess.