Mom & Dad

I must be honest and say my Mom & Dad have been the best support group around. My Mom always worries that maybe she didn't do something right bringing us up, but I think they did a good job. As being a parent is what most of us dream to do, but actually doing it isn't as easy as we would like to believe (I think).

I was a mistake, my folks had their 2 girls and were happy, then 1 day they had a bit of a chance when both my sisters were taking a nap and they did something that none of us like to think our parents do. My mom didn't use her diaphragm as they were caught in the moment and figured that it was the totally wrong time of the month to fall pregnant, so thought, what the hell. But little did they know that I was waiting in the wings for that slight little opportunity to join my family.

Poor Mom when she realised she was pregnant again, by mistake she was so unhappy, she really didn't want a 3rd child. Finances were already quite tight and having a 3rd 1 would make them more so. But soon into the pregnancy she changed her mind as it was an easier pregnancy. Everything about her pregnancy was different so they decided I was their boy! Shame little did they know. They hadn't even chosen a girls name, as that is how convinced they were that I was a boy. I am so glad I wasn't a boy as my name would have been Crispan? I arrived 10 Feb 1976 at 23h30 (30min before their anniversary) and 7 days early. My mom said as I came out I looked up and my eyes were watching the doctor and Dad the whole time. She said I was their ray of sunshine, I was always a happy baby and so easy. When I started to crawl they called me Sweet pea as I used to crawl out of the baby grow (don't' all babies).

My 1 sister always used to tell me I was adopted and I think part of me hoped I was, that I wasn't part of this mad family, but as the years past and we all grew up, there was no mistaking we are all part of the same family.

My parents have always been there for me, in their own way, possibly not always the way I wanted them to be, but I always tried to be open and host with them, but might have told a few lies!!! They I think thought I was nuts when I went overseas and sent back pictures of me smoking a joint in Amsterdam and a photo of me with a new belly ring in undies, a bobbies hat & F** me boots! Poor folks! They supported me through an abusive boyfriend, stupid boyfriends, my crazy goth years, my wedding, my divorce, my next wedding (even though they were nervous), my pregnancy & my miscarriage!

I know I moan about my Mom a bit, but to her I have always been the strong child, that she can come cry on my shoulder and phone me needing cheering up and I accepted that role and when the time came for me to break down and cry I don't think she quite knew how to handle it all. I wasn't the daughter she was used to. So I can't blame her, I think I should look at myself more and think You let everyone believe you were strong all the time, why do you expect them to understand when you are weak?

My Dad, well my Dad has never been a man of many words, he was always the clown ... turning his cap backwards on the beach and pretending he was a gorilla to embarrass us all! Him catching 2 baby fish when I was 5 and telling me to tell everyone else, that I had caught them. Him not being the disciplinarian in the house, but if Dad shouted or spoke sternly, then you know you had done something wrong, cause Dad was always nice. But he was always there to help, like putting up lights when I was suddenly living alone or buying me something when he knew I had no money.

I think I have the best parents ever and am very very lucky. Even though now I sometimes feel I am more the parent than them and it isn't a good feeling to feel like that and to see them age and worry about things you know they would never have worried about 5 - 10 years ago.

I can't expect them to be as excited about things as I am, or sad about things as I am. But I know no matter what, they love us all and would do anything for us.

I have 13 days left with them in the same province as me before they are off to their new life and it is going to be so strange not having them just a few km away. Dad will be coming back and staying with us for a few weeks until he can finish off his retirement, which will be odd. But this is the end of an era in life and it is going to be strange getting used to it!

I love my folks!

Frustrations

Yet again I am moaning about work! How can I be so bored. I can make work for myself and keep myself busy, but I don't really want to. It is so bad! I mean I am being paid to work, so I should work, but I would rather spend my time doing anything but work and I am only just starting my 2nd day after a lovely holiday, where oh where is the enthusiasm? My boss drives me mad. He is 1 of the most frustrating people I know, he gives with 1 hand and takes with the other. He expects everyone to pay him on time and jump for him and when he says jump everyone must bow down and say how high your majesty! BUT when it is him paying other people he craps them out for asking and not just understanding where he is coming from. Man it pee's me off and I have been working for him for 9 years and I am bored, but I work from home, I have flexible hours and freedom in general. So why would I leave? What would I do other than this? I have no degree and no actual vision of what I would really like to do. Other than be pregnant and at the end of it be a mom to a healthy happy baby! Maybe that is where my focus is at the moment, hence the frustrations with work.

I still have to work around patience. Patience or lack thereof is my downfall every time. When I decide I want something, I then want it now, I don't want to wait or anything, I just want it NOW! How do I teach myself patience? Patience ..... patience ... where are you my friend? Come play, please come play with me! I promise to listen and be good!

Holiday, Signs

Wow, wow & wow again!

This holiday was absolutely wonderful, our Feb one, I was just too stressed out and freaked out and emotionally raw.

We stopped 1 night in Howick and saw where my parents are retiring to in 2 weeks (yikes), what a lovely village. I think it will suit them down to the ground. It is so peaceful and tranquil and beautiful. Yay for M&D! Hope all goes well!

Then off to Umkomaas for a night! Not my favourite spot, but the B&B was good. G did his diving, shame the 1st dive he got so seasick on the boat so didn't enjoy it too much, but managed to see a whale shark - lucky bum! We went to this absolutely divine restaurant in Scottborough, called Dodo's, absolutely wow! The food was so yummy and not expensive. Really great. G did another dive in the morning, plus I had given him my motion sickness tablets, so he enjoyed that dive way more. Sounds awesome down there other than the sharks, but still don't think I could force myself to start diving ... does that make me boring? Oh well tough. I managed to read loads, to the point that I thought shew I need to do something else.

Got to Sanlameer and thought wow, why was the last time we came here 4 years ago. That place just has this feeling of peace and nature, even though there are hundreds of units, they are painted to blend into the natural vegetation around. The day we arrived it was raining, but stopped just long enough to get all our luggage into the unit and then started again!

All we did most of the holiday was laze on the beach, walk on the beach, swim, then walk around San Lameer and then went for 1 hike at a nature reserve on the rainy day. Oh and to the waffle house. Met a friend and her husband & kids there and then bumped into Eileen, which was cool, pity we had made plans with my friends, would have been nice to sit with her and her hubby!

We were so so lucky with the weather, only 2 rainy days, which isn't bad at all. On the Wed G went back up to Umkomaas to dive and I went for a walk along the beach and sat on the rocks staring out at the sea and contemplating life. As I was walking along the beach I was thinking what sign can I ask for, for things to go well and I couldn't think of anything other than the obvious??? The next day G & I went walking along the beach and I suddenly though a cowry, that is the sign I want cause I haven't found a cowry on the beach in many many years even though we always used to find them as kids at Shelley beach. But I didn't have much hope as the shells on that beach are few and far between. But low and behold I looked down at this lonesome ownsome shell on 1 section and what was it??? Yup a cowry! How awesome is that! So told G and he laughed, then he found a half 1 and then later I found another 1. How special is that???? I couldn't stop smiling! I smiled all day. Not sure what it means, but it is a sign for good things to come with the TTC journey I am sure. We never saw any more and G & I are always searching for shells, we never can just walk on a beach, ever! I feel truly blessed!

Swimming in the sea is so cleansing and other than being dumped by the waves, felt really good. G & I decided that sand is sexist, no matter if I was in the sea for 2 min or 15 min, I always came out with a bikini top full full of sand? But G who spends like 30 odd min in the sea at a time, hardly hand any in his costume... Well I suppose it doesn't hug him tight, but neither really does my bikini, useless piece of material!

I slowly am getting used to that herbal concoction the homeo gave me, still vile and smells like smelly socks, but anyway. I managed to read 4.5 books and spends lots of QT with G. 1 thing I found strange was that 95% of the people at Marina beach and San Lameer were young families with young kids. Was it to slap me in the face or to give me hope? I think I will go with the hope! There were preggy ladies and all sized kids, and twin babies and young kids learning to ride their bikes, no matter where I looked I saw young kids. & to tell you the truth I was ok with it. Still wish for it for me, but seeing these happy little families gave me so much more hope!

Our last day there was the best weather, calm sea and just truly amazing! Was just bliss. The drive home on Saturday wasn't bad, 704km ... isn't long but is.

This is funny -

The symbolism of the Cowry shell is associated with the appearance of its underside: the lengthwise opening makes the shell look like a vulva ... hahaha, how apt is that? Oh well!

Oh and this .... The shells represent the eyes of the Gods and the womb of the Goddess.

Twiddling my thumbs waiting for G

I thought I was going to be so busy today that I wouldn't have time to write in my "journal" but time is now slowly passing and G is only leaving work at 11, so have time to kill.

Went for my BT session today and Dr EB asked so what are we working on today and I said whatever comes up, so he laughed. Came up that I am too critical on myself ... duh), he says I think something is wrong that I am doing, then I get critical on myself that I picked it up??? He is running a program on me over the next 9 days to help! He said it comes from a past life and I can't let go, no matter what I do I am critical on me ... which is 100% right. Funny I know all this stuff about BT, but still get pleasantly surprised in sessions that he can pick up so much. He said it should help me to have a lovely holiday, which I hope it does! I told him about the yukky herbal tonic the homeo gave me and he said he was just about to suggest it (DrEB is a herbalist too) anyway, he is so funny. I can't believe it is so difficult to get an appointment now with him, when I 1st knew him he wasn't into BT and hardly had any clients. Amazing how things change... his girlfriend is pregnant, due in June. She looks lovely! Still not that easy to see pregnant people, but I can do I know I can! He still wont marry her, funny guy, but he would never leave her, so guess that is a good thing as he loves her lots!

I left there popped into Spar to drop off invoices and such and went past the cooked stuff and this plate of Russian & chips just kept calling out to me, so I felt bad for it and bought it and now ate it and it is only 10:15! Yikes ... how unhealthy am I. The little old lady in the queue next to me laughed and said if you feel like it go for it ... so I did! Now I have to drink 6 glasses of water to get rid of the grease! Yuk! & then go sit in a car for 5 hours ... oh dear. Clever Belinda! Very very clever!

Last post for awhile

Thanks for the comments on our babies. Animals are so amazing!

I can't believe how I am enjoying letting stuff out here. Quite funky!

G & I go away tomorrow, can't wait. Except for the drive. G is going diving in the sea which he is ecstatic about, yay for G and I get to curl up and hopefully tan on the beach with a book or 10! Woo hoo.

Today I went and got my hair cut and then decided to see the homeo to try get my shoulders away from my ears (earring shoulders) and decided if she could see me today then I was meant to go as I have never been to her before. Low and behold she had a space at 10, so off I tootle and I really liked her as she is like 2 min away from my house. Which is bliss.

Went through the whole medical history and the reason I was there and she did all sorts of test and such and turns out I was pregnant last month, but it didn't stick! Again! Oh well, at least I know I can fall pregnant, now I just have to figure out how to make it stick and grow and be and and and! She gave me injections up and down my shoulders & neck (ouch) and then something into the ovary area? Then this tonic to take and it is vile, when I mean vile, I mean vile! It is only for 2 weeks, hope I can stick it for then ... but I will cause I just will!

So somehow work has to fall into this day too and ja, not doing too well there, but at least I am off from tomorrow!

My babies

I can't upload this on the forum cause I am blond, but here are my 3 little babies, The green one is Oilve, She is an abandoned abused little birdy I got after the vets assistant killed my little Milo by mistake, she loves beig held in a towel and chats away to anyone and love to bite, but it is more a game for her than anything else. She is about 7 now.

The mainly white little kitty is Maija, she is just too gorgeous, not cuddly, but oh so friendly and spends her time trying to get the loo roll off the holder and then pulling all the paper off. She is a very vocal cat. The grey strippy one is Zoe, now she is a cuddler of note, especially G at night in front of the tv and she has a lion sized purr. Lovely, what could be more peaceful! They are 10.5 months old.

They are like children to us. We spoil them rotten ...

Tuesday/Friday?

I agree with Eve, I should go get a punching bag, will do me the world of good. Then I can lend it out to all my friends and family that feel in need of a release too ... would be amazing to see how many people would actually want to use it! Haha. I am sure a few!!

So far today I am feeling better than yesterday, which is absolutely grand. Plus tomorrow being a holiday is a big big bonus. We are going to vote, but because we can just walk 80m down the road to vote, we are going to try go early like 7:30 to get it out the way and enjoy our day off. Woo hoo! Then 1 more day of work, well that is what I have told my boss, but will be in for a little bit on Friday and holiday here we come.

Went to gym last night and managed to do what I had to, but geez it was busy, at 8pm. Plus it is al the smelly boys with their mucho images, they do make me laugh though. Then sat down to read and watch G & his brother play squash for the last 10min. Little Zoe & Maija were so cuddly last night with me and weren't happy with Dad for taking them to bed when he went to sleep. If only they didn't take up my half of the bed when sleeping, otherwise they could sleep the night with us! Funny kitties.

I still can't get into the whole work thing, this year has been bad bad bad with that! I just can't focus. I have to try when we get back from the coast. I think Mr boss man might get annoyed with me if I don't. Not that he has done much focusing in the past few years until now, but guess he is the boss! But let me go and actually try .... try get Zoe off my lap 1st to go!